All I want for Christmas

Here we are again. Another Christmas. I never really got the point, I can't even remember if I ever believed in Santa. I just remember being little and how I couldn't watch TV for more than 5 minutes without seeing reindeer jumping around and a hairy fat man wearing a red suit take up the whole screen. Commercials selling shampoo during the holidays somehow found a way to relate buying hair products with the spirit of Christmas. Don't you want a head dandruff free for the holidays! Yes, thank you, I'd like a dandruff-free head for any day of the year actually. I also remember how many times people would tell me "Tis the season!" "The season of giving!" yet all I ever knew was to be selfish on Christmas. How much money I could spend on myself during Christmas on top of how many presents I would get from my family and friends. I couldn't even get my parents the proper gifts cause who wants to be given a present that some one spent your own money to buy. If there was ever an award for single-handedly corrupting Christmas I'd definitely be on the nominee list.

But this year, it feels different. Maybe it's because I've grown out of my greedy little girl pants, maybe it's because I've got a job where I actually earn my own money, maybe it's because all those little things, how much more money my parents might have spent on my sister, how many Christmas parties I was invited too, if I had someone to kiss under the mistletoe, doesn't matter anymore.
This is the last Christmas where I'm celebrating in a home that will really feel like home. And I'm spending every minute I can with the people who evidently has spent their time with me since the beginning and have chosen to spend the rest of their time till the end. For once I feel like I'm on a vacation without being on a vacation. A little disconnected from everything and everyone who is in my little social bubble.
And it's really nice.
I feel like now a days my generation is so caught up in being "in-the-know," being a socialite, having the most wall posts on facebook, making sure their entire life and every moment of that life is documented into cyber space. It's even quite possible that some of the Christmas parties in high school are hosted just so we can all get together and take pictures of how cool we are in our "ugly" Christmas sweaters....nahh.

I realized how much so many of us obsess over how we're not going to be alone, and making sure were not going to be alone with the right people. Like were not content enough being on our own but content enough to pick and choose our company; neglecting the people who are genuinely a part of our life and infatuated with those who are convenient....and temporary. And for once, I don't have to be caught up in all the backwardness, all the greed for popularity and status, all the irresponsibility of people's feelings and relationships.
It's good to be with family and enjoying the comfort and simplicity of home, and that's all I want this Christmas. (Ooh. Facebook status right there.)

:)
Merry Christmas everyone.

Material World

Fashion and photography inspiration. LEz go.

Sitting Comfortable

We always blame life for getting in the way, but did we ever think it could be us?

Things like society and your circle of friends and family. They don't deserve all that credit. Did it ever occur to us that maybe we just...have a choice?

There isn't a gene engrained in our genome that says who ever "they" say we're gonna be, that's who we'll be.

So who am I? Who do I choose to be?

I suppose it simply depends on one's definition of the overly used pronoun.

Sometimes I think I'm the girl who sees her life playing on the reel of a Sundance Festival indie movie (the ones that are really romantic and sentimental, yet clever and satirical at the same time so you feel cool when you're watching it). But the one thing that indie romance movies and the ones that Jennifer Anniston stars in have in common is that in the end, the girl always wins... And you know it's a lot of bullshit, okay. What's also a lot of bullshit is I keep watching it anyways, a little part of me believing that a little part of that movie will actually happen in real life--preferably to me. So the scene when the boy chases after me because he cares, I actually picture that translating from the plot of a cliche hollywood movie into my not-so-cliche-hollywood-movie life. Yeah I know, I set myself up for a let down. Whatever okay?

Sometimes I think it's the girl who waits for things that she knows will never happen to happen...she knows this because of evidence previously gathered based on trial and error. She's done her research on these things, don't even worry.

And then sometimes I think it's the girl who looks down on people for believing the extraordinary can happen to them. The girl who listens to her parents when they say she's never gonna be anything but a corporate girl who sucks up to her boss because no matter how miserable she is, she's not quite miserable enough to lose her job over her dignity (or lack there of). She's the girl who would kick romantic indie girl's ass.

But then I realized, why do I have to label who I am? Why do we always have to feel like we know everything about ourselves? I realized 68% of the stress I go through is me personally inflicting it upon myself. I know who I am, I do. But I don't have to justify it, or make sense out of it. I don't have to explain it or even put it in words.

A shooting star caught my eye as I was driving home from work tonight and I scrambled to make a wish. But every single time I thought of something I would take it back, until the point when my mind just stopped making up bullshit wishes and said, straight up, the most sensible thing it's ever said...

I don't want anything to change.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is sensational.

....Not to mention just a phase that will probably go away in the next 24 hours.

But just... savor the moment with me all you out there. Savor the moment.

Gone Rogue

"You deserve someone who never fucks with your head! ya know!! thats the kind of relationship i want...it starts good...and stays good...no little poops in the road to make you feel like shit. and yeah.. those boys who do have that higher power on you....its pathetic huh!!?? i dont understand. but its more like us girls have to have the higher power on them and put our foot down. ya know?? so that we can open our hearts up to other good people. and be loved. and share our love :) BECAUSE WE ARE FUCKING LOVING GIRLS I TELL YA!!! haha. but yeah. i think your beautiful, and amazing. and i cant wait for someone to swoop you off your feet the way it is suppose to be done. someone who is handsome, adores you, can have conversations with you about anything, likes to listen to you, and who will buy you pumpkins to carve :)"

-From a good friend. You are brilliant, and adorable, and brilliant. thank you

:)

Long Overdue

Being vulnerable isn't going to get you the most attention, needing attention is going to get you the most attention. Huh, fancy that. But the things is, I don't need people in my life to kiss my ass, I just want them to see that I'm not perfect--that I say and do stupid things--yet they still respect me regardless. I might make a fool out of myself sometimes but I'm not afraid to be a little rough around the edges. It's hard to try to be on your own. I don't depend on other people to make me feel better about myself. I'm not always searching for a relationship because I constantly need someone else to provide me security. But that independence can also be scary and isolated. I'm not a strong person. I'm just trying to be. And in the midst of trying to be so self-efficient, I've forgotten how much I need someone there to stand up for me.

I'm really the one to blame, before I've always been too proud to say it, but here it goes,

I can't do everything on my own. It's a hard thing to try and do, you know, using your own shoulder to cry on--really strains the neck.

Runners

He moves in mysterious ways,

She's on the floor.

And her heart is in her hand. Nestled in her palm with fingers wrapped all around, the only place it can stand.

What's happening? What are you fighting about? Was it my pity that you borrowed? Or do you not see the others that weep in the corners of this box of sorrow? You must still be sitting in the middle.

When she's afraid to feel anything at all, when she's up against the wall, there's no room to fall.

Because you said it was okay to, but it's never okay to, when they're making a mess. There are tears to be shed too, but that's something she can't do, She says, this is what's best.

So afraid of holding onto something she can't see. Asked the world to look at her and see something and believe. Stayed up all night perfecting the perfect you. Overwhelmed with so much work to do. You can tell me if it changed something inside you. You can tell me if you hid your heart when you were trying to hide you. Scared of what the spectators would say if they knew they've been lied to. But I'll always love you same, You know I was never apart of that game.

I remember watching you run from the stranger in the room that swore he was you. And when you weren't thinking you did what he did too. But all that becomes taboo. Hurry up before they see you. You'd rather be see through, just to fall in line. So you'd never get beaten down again for trying to shine.

Use to be invisible so you could love me without pain, told you no matter how much you played with my heart I'd feel just the same, Promised I'd always smile for you, never cry over you, but I was left wanting more in the end, so I swore I'd never play that part again.

My Final Say

Things feel so different. Time has changed so many things, my mind feels expanded, and the more it fills the weaker my spirit and the more convoluted my vision of the world as I see it becomes. It's like a little piece of me dies when things break a part. When I realize things don't just happen because you want it so bad. When I realized the good guy doesn't always win. When I realize I'm not always the good guy. When I realized He's not always going to love me back. Love isn't love like I dreamt it to be when I was a little girl growing up. It wasn't fairytales and happily ever afters; it was at times misconceived, ill-timed, and unrequited.

But every now and then I let things go, like my pride and my ego and my self-consciousness. And I can tell that I'm still that little girl. She's the one who wants to see the good in everyone. Who trusts that people have integrity. That they wouldn't say degrading things. That they would never hurt anyone. She's the one that keeps me from denying you every time. The one that's always there for you even when you don't know how much it hurts. The one that hopes one day you'll find yourself. But I don't see her very often because I don't want her to see who you've become. How many times you've manipulated her emotions to satisfy your need for attention. And you never apologized, you never thought to ask. But it's okay because it's me now and I won't ever ask you to care.

Although I've grown up a little I'm grateful. Because I realize how much I look out for myself. I realize how much I'm confident in who I am. I have conviction and strength and I can see beauty in others so I know I can see beauty in myself.

You are perfect. I meant it when I said it. I don't see the wall of guilt and insecurities you put up even though I know it's there. But you're not strong enough and I can't be your crutch. In the end I cared for who I know you can be. Not who you are now.

Stream of Conscienceness

I'm watching the movie Julie and Julia, well, rather as of now I'm listening because all of the sudden it gave me the urge to write. The character Julie, Amy Adams, writes a blog about her journey cooking through the cook book of legendary chef Julia Child, Meryl Streep. And at that, a movie about a cook blogging about another cook has inspired me to blog myself. I've decided to try a different approach this time. Simple and sweet. When we write, our thoughts come from an organic place; they are in the moment. But a lot of times when I write I force my thoughts onto paper...(well..."paper") It's like I have to think about what I'm thinking...it even sounds ridiculous. So this time, I'm experimenting with a different concept. Going with the flow. The flow of my very own conscience. I must admit, this a little intimidating for me--I rant a lot of the times when I'm thinking to myself. And while I spend much of the time trying to convey a facade of always being confident and self assured, that deteriorates a bit when you get inside my head and you realize how consistently I second guess myself. Well, if you're human I suppose you can relate. (Also when I don't take the time to perfect what I'm writing, indentation seems to escape me. So excuse me for the never-ending paragraph of the century.) I want to travel. Yet, I feel like that's a grown up thing to do so I almost feel obliged to my future, grown up self to wait until I'm in my 20's to really explore the world. But right now, all I want to do is burst this little bubble I live in. Run down the streets of Rome, buy bread on the street corner of Paris, dive into the Mediterranean sea of Greece. How romantic.... Ahem, alright well let me rephrase my previous sentence, I almost feel obliged to my future self to wait until I'm in my 20's to explore Europe. Hmmm. If only I could live in my head forever. I guess that would also turn me into a vegetable. My mom always says, dreams are for people who don't do anything about them. I wonder if it's true....What matters more: what you want the world to be like or how it really is? And which one will you allow to steer you on your life's journey? I can't stop thinking about you. It's starting to worry me. And now because of this you must believe that I am speaking directly from these unorganized thoughts in my head, rest assured. Because heaven forbid, I can never stay on topic without you getting in the way. Why do we, meaning us adolescents, care so much about this sort of thing?? Don't we all know it's a waste of our time? Things like love and soul mates, not to mention marriage and eventually settling down...who in God's name, at our age, knows a single thing about those words and what they could possibly mean? Yes, I'm talking to you, God. What do you have to say for yourself?! If you are who you say you are, the one who gave me emotions like lust and the "I'm feeling lonely without a boy" emotion (sorry I don't know any other way to title that one) then you can have them back! And return them in due time when I'm 24. Along with a suitable, oh excuse me, an outstanding, charming and disgustingly handsome young man who will later on become my husband the father of my kids (I am, in fact, the only candidate to provide my parents with grandchildren. Since my sister is convinced she will not be mothering children of her own due to the inevitability that little kids always have sticky hands, OF COURSE. Probably from eating jam or something, she says.) Yes, that would be quite swell. But on the contrary that is not how things work around here, is it? looks like I'm just going to have to deal with my largely unnecessary feelings towards him. Gross Louisa. And by fact, he IS out there, he does exist. A guy I actually like. A living person, doing...things or what not. But I wish he didn't live the life that he lives, and that under the circumstances, he isn't the person he is. So in that case, is he even truly alive? I mean, literally of course he is. But the guy that I made up in my head, who just so happens to look like him and have the same name, doesn't exist. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I suppose that's the good thing about things like getting an education, focusing on goals, and eventually being successful in a career. They will never change their minds, they will never reject you, and they will never say things that will hurt your feelings. They will never lie to you, or make you feel used. They will never go away. Unless, YOU say so. Unless I say so...It's all on me. Maybe that's why my sister goes to Duke and is currently making bank at her job in Nordstrom. Because in her job, as well as school, as well as her relationships, she likes to be in control. And that, is when she is at her best. My theory, however, is a bit more...I don't know...foolish. And it's called trusting people. Horrible, I know. It involves methods such as trial and error, and a very versatile, very broad spectrum of emotions. But, while there are plenty of good things money and success can give you, there are also quite a few it can't. And maybe I'm still too much of a romantic to give up on trying to obtain those kinds of things. I wonder if all my romanticizing is just a way of being lazy, so I can avoid waking up from my day dreams to reason with reality on maybe settling for something less ambitious and more...stable. Ew. But in the end I must know one thing and it is a very important thing. It is never going to be about superficial wants or even the guy. Most things I spend all my time worrying about now are measly. Just another page in my life story. Another memory in the making. Another step I must take in finding myself. Also very important. I must never go to sleep this late again. That will be the greatest challenge of them all. Wish me luck.

-Louisa's Conscience.

It's Never the Changes We Want that Change Everything

Sometimes things can't be put in a box. Or written down on paper. Or sung through a tune, created into movement, or captured in a photograph. It can't be resolved with words no matter how articulate. It can't be made better by "I love you's" or "It's going to be okay's." Because at one point in our lives we're gonna feel like we're not good enough. No matter how many paintings we paint, how many videos we make of us doing cool things, how many dances we choreograph, how many friends we make, or blogs we write, we're still going to feel...uninspired. Sometimes when the world and its ambitions can be so big all we know to do,

is make us seem small.

It's inevitable: we are insignificant. Every single one of us. I'm not going to do everything I've ever wanted to do. I'm not gonna have everything I've ever wanted to have. We will all fail one way or another in our lifetime; Fall short of who we want to be and where we want to go. So I am insignificant, it's true. But I am not empty, I am not without faith. Gandhi once said, "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."

So even when I'm feeling inferior, or discouraged, or inadequate, I am still hungry to be more, and to chase after impossible dreams. Impossible because while I might think I know now, I really have no idea what I'm chasing after. But I run and I keep running. I cry and I laugh and I fail and I triumph because I know, before I reach my destination, I will turn around, take a left and around the corner I will find happiness. The dream I grew up believing in, will end. And I will look back and say, "Thank God."

In all honesty, there is only so much I know for certain right now. But as for the rest, I am completely and utterly aware of how oblivious I am. I believe that the reason I want certain things so badly now, is so I can use them as means of finding my way to the truth later. But I'm not afraid, and I am not deterred. I will never doubt that at the end of the road, I will be enlightened, I will be happy, and I will have not settled for anything less.

The journey to fulfillment will not be simple, but the destination should be perfectly clear. It will not be a place or a person, but a symbol of how far we've come. So, I'm ready to live the rest of my life now.... To be fair, I guess I've always been ready.

"It's never the changes we want that change everything." Junot Diaz, author

What I Was Tryna Tell You

What I was tryna tell you

Is that I'm the fuckin realist

Call me a walking salesman

Cause I can show you what the deal is

So caught up in the cool

What ever happened to the realness?

Tryna make the right moves

So I hope that you can feel this.

Love is something we speak about prematurely

So I could tell I started loving you far too early

You know I put out alotta shit cause I'm so wordy

But how many of them do you think really heard me?

My consciences feels heavy

Look at how you left me

I should've known this time,

Time would let you forget me.

And man, it's been a while since I've felt appreciated

Cause like you that feeling evaporated

And I can just remember how much I hated

Feeling like all I did was waited

For you to make yourself out of the fake you created

But spend 3 minutes with me and a heart untainted

And I swear I'll give you everything you anticipated.

I'm ready for them to see

What my mind sees

But I'm telling you if you ain't ready, don't tease me

If you're tied down by the past, you won't please me

I know seducing your last girl with your bullshit was easy

But I'm not just another girl for you to mess around with

I got a confidence and a swag I go to town with

So you can call up your petty bitches when you wanna get faded

But call me after when you're ready to get upgraded.

Cause I don't have the time

For you and your deluded mind

No cure great enough for you to find

Cause I can see through the surface of your fake persona

The ignorance, you're such a prima donna.

And I know I can't change everyones ways

Or the things they've done

I just want everybody to listen to me

Like Drake's new album.

But tonight I won't need your love to find

When you're out there looking for your dignity

I've already found mine.

I know you're lost, tryna find what's true

But even if I let you in

You wouldn't know what to do

I can't even look at you

Without feeling confused

If I could give you salvation

You know that's what I'd do

But you keep bringing yourself down and

That's on you.

Maybe

I was inspired to write this by a song about falling for someone. But I decided to write an end to that story from personal experiences being the friend who saw the relationship fall apart and was never really put back together right.

Maybe

Maybe I'd like to call you lovely

Maybe I'd trade in all my money

To spend the day drinking tea and honey

This time I made enough breakfast for two

And I might be a little tough

And I might be

Stubborn and stuff

But it gets me when you do that

Thing that you do

Cause you're a catch and I'm out fishing

You're a star and I'm out wishing

I'm a puzzle and you're what's missing

I hope that heart of yours is mine to share

I'm scared we'll change

And come of age

Say some things we never meant to say

But secretly

They're the things that I want you to hear

Like you're so great

I'd like to date

Let's go out to eat or let's just make

A little something on our own

Cause I like clothes from the 60's

And you like movies that are witty

Let's road trip our way into the city

And make a home

But my vision can get a little blurry

and You seem like you're in a hurry

So why don't I just scurry

So you won't hurt me trying to find your way

Cause you look like you're always looking

And I feel like I'm always working

Do you know how long it took me

To find a good excuse for you today

Maybe you were never mine

Maybe it wasn't the right time

And maybe the words don't rhyme

In this kind of world

Maybe I thought this was falling in love

And maybe time calls for us to grow up

Maybe you were just a boy

and I was just a girl

Poker Face

I think

We're all just people who are desperately confused, pretending like we know everything.

By now, if you've gone through enough relationships you've gotten pretty good at it too.

But underneath our self-empowered, all-knowing personas we're all just as lost as the person sitting next to us. We just won't admit it. Who's bluffing, who's calling the bluff? We're so fast to point the finger. Blaming others for their wrongs so we seem more in the right. And the best part about the game, is you can get away with it. It might make you a hypocrite, but what's the difference when know one knows but you?

We're all victims of our own crimes, really.

I've been thinking a lot about self-worth lately. And a lot about what it takes to be in a place where my self-worth can be entirely unaffected by others. Some days I build myself up enough to believe that I don't need be reliant on others to determine how I should feel. Giving myself pep talks on these occasions goes a long way :). But then on other days shit can really get to me!

Like when people go in and out of my life all the time.

I always see it coming, too.

I knew they were going to go away. But I'm still naive, and I trusted them.

It's so exhausting...spending so much time caring about someone and then looking back and feeling like they never even happened.

I've always been so reserved when it came to letting people in. But when I really value some one as a person I'm willing to give them a chance, and even though it's rare, when I open up to some one I really open up to them.

It's strange how things can change so quickly, and I guess there will be times when I don't even get an explanation for it. Even though I feel like maybe, just maybe, I deserve one.

In the end, I never know how to feel. I never know how to play this game that I didn't sign up for in the first place.

There will be hits and misses--all the time. Life has no pattern when it comes to the people you meet and how they will affect you. It's funny, as a girl and talking to my girl friends, it seems that there's always that one guy that's a miss. And you're self-esteem, over here, gets PISSED right? And yes, it is completely my intention to state the obvious...denial doesn't sit well...at all. It's almost as if getting denied by that one person makes you reevaluate your entire existence.

Like... what the hell is going on?! How could you NOT be into me. I can chew gum AND tie my shoes at the same time?? That should be a done deal. We like butter on our pancakes AND both our mama's names start with a T?? We are sooo perfect for each other.

But the thing is...

None of that matters.

We can have the world in common, but that's never going to be enough.

I can be the bees knees in my eyes, but I'm just another girl to him.

I don't pursue guys a lot, it might be because I'm scared of rejection, or it might be because I'm just plain LAZY. But I've felt it before. It's called, he's just not that into you. Watch the movie, do what you gotta do...

But ladies (and fellas),

It's time to make amends and just let it go.

So what did I realize this week?

I'm happy with who I am, and if a guy can see that person and still not love it too, he's not stupid, he's just not right for me. I have so many people in my life who truly care. Who wake up and want to be a part of my life on a daily basis. That should be more than enough. That IS more than enough.

I'm tired of second guessing myself. I'm tired of wondering if things would be different if I just changed. I'm tired of debating as to whether I should grow out my hair just because guys might be intimidated by it (except for gay guys, they eat that shit UP), I love everything about me. I dare to be different and I feel compelled to challenge traditional thinking on what's "beautiful."

So I think I'll be happy with who I am now. And that means being myself, not letting a miss here and there get me down, and keeping my short hair.

And you're going to like it, too.

I promise

(Strategically) In Love

Glasses (Forever 21), Sweatshirt (Arc Thrift Store), Pants (hemmed, Salvation army), Shoes (some shoe store in Orchard mall, heh)


Thought of the day:
I came across these letters I wrote a while back, and they were legitimate LOVE LETTERS! You could only imagine the horror that rushed over me when I started to read every cheesy, cliche word that had actually come from my very own stream of conscienceness. At first I wanted to scream, because yes, I actually remember sending these letters too (all FOUR PAGES), but then I realized, that after 2 years, I have truly suppressed my own hopes for romance and happy endings. I always kinda thought I grew up a pessimist, maybe it was because I had a world class cynic as a sister, or hard-disciplining realists as parents, but it wasn't until I came across such letters that I realized just how much of a romantic I am, or well, had been. I mean, I guess I always knew I had it in me, but embracing it seemed like such a bold move, and there it was, typed proof that embracing it was exactly what I had done. I could blame my naivity or age at that time but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to make excuses. I think it surprisingly relieves me to know that at one point or another I was willing to let myself fall head over heels infatuated with someone. At the end, I actually said I love you too! It was as if I thought I was in The Notebook writing a letter to Ryan Gosling.
I won't delete those letters in disgust or embarrassment, but instead I'll keep them saved, in my "Guilty Pleasures" folder, if such a folder existed. Because it reminds me that once upon a time I was okay with being a little reckless when it came to falling for someone. And it reminds me that I'm capable of putting myself out there and hoping for the best instead of expecting the worst. And maybe one day I won't feel like I have to act so restrained, maybe one day I can picture myself telling someone I love him without cringing, maybe one day I'll write another love letter and send it again.

Blooming Season

Call it spring time, call it renewed ambition, but lately all I want to do is to express myself creatively in as many ways possible. With school ending and my brain cleared of numerical values and grade point averages, I think my soul will finally be able to inhale a little goodness and exhale a little goodness. And I'm pretty excited about that.

So while I will be keeping up with the writing in my blog, I'll also be keeping a look book in this sucker. A fashion log if you will. Hope you all like it :)

PS, look out for more of my photography, For the Lust Photography, being posted on my Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/louisa.meng

Also, my dance crew Hype 303 will be performing June 11th at the Colorado Hip Hop Festival and June 12th at FACC's 15th Annual Philippine Festival, come watch and support!

ALSO, check out Jay Cole photography with Seniors @ 5280 on Facebook.

Okay. That is all.

Gray blazer (H&M), White top (Buffalo Exchange Thrift Store), hoop earrings

Laced top (The Arc), High-wasted jean shorts (Mom's Closet), stockings, brown laced boots (thrifted)

Sleep walking Dream talking

The drool on my pillow

Was worth it.

Because for moments

You were right in front of me

But the waking up

Brought back reality too suddenly

So fast I hadn't even made up my mind on what to wear

Put on my fly as if you were here

So fresh like air

Lookin' in the miror

Like,

Sho'nuff I'd hit it.

Hair lookin good and I woke up with it.

Hey there, Ego

My, myself, and I,

We're the shit

Yeah, we know.

Is that how this is suppose to go?

It seems a lot of people out there got a lot to brag about

But I ain't quite there yet, I got a lot to ask about.

There's just not enough room in my head to think comfortably

I'm fighting with myself in my mind like Three's A Company

Hey World,

I wanna be your favorite girl

So I talk a lot of shit

cause I'm good with words

But how much is that really worth

Nowadays what's in a word

But something everyone's already heard.

okay

Today was like every day

And I got a little scared.

A little bit love impaired

A little bit too aware

Of what happens next when I push green

Go

A little too calculated

A little too in-the-know

So I got a little self-righteous

From trying so hard to fight this

Feeling that I get when I'm fallin again

Couldn't tell you how I felt

So now I'm writing again.

It never wanted to lose the romance

One day it'll outweigh my conscience

In the end,

I'll send away my doubts and trade them for you

All the things that I fear for the things that you do

Because the problems in my mind,

I always calculated fine

But the music in my soul

Always found a way to rhyme

And its melody and its chime

Will be found somehow in time.

In time to say I'd like to go on date

With you if it's not too late.

"I heard the old, old men say, all that is Beautiful drifts away" -James Joyce

I've never seen wild things cry from a broken heart.

so Why, then, do I not envy such things.

Some say they are running towards freedom.

But I say they are just running away

You are not tamed nor will you ever be tamed

and For this, I respect your audacity.

But how dare you shake the apples from my tree

and leave me bare.

I watched you take a single bite of the fruit

That of which has fallen from my very limbs.

It satisfied your empty stomach

and that was enough.

It was not until you were full and ready

Did you started running again.

I've never seen proud men grow.

I have seen them smile, but never for someone else.

You may hide behind your golden mask

But I will never try to see through it.

And neither will the peasants who worship your throne.

For them,

Nothing more had caught their eye but the shine to your dollar.

The stench of self-pity and mourning fills this room.

Could it be the Sorrow hanging on your back?

I have never seen a wilted flower bloom again.

When spring came, still, it did not bloom.

The flower that has lived in winter for the past plenty years

Will never know,

That I must have wished upon it 10 times over.

You are blinded by the never ending rivers that flow against the banks of your pigmented skin

I waited for the rains to die down and the clouds to clear

But it never did

And I wasn't going to wait for another spring,

To fall in love with you.

I've never seen a mirror with a face but that of someone else's.

Why do I feel robbed?

I wake up at dawn

Every day self-assured and confident

But the Devil greets me when I look at the world.

Envy.

And now I am small.

I build myself up again with fallacies

And pretty looking things.

Tonight I will go to sleep with a different face on.

Who am I, she says.

I have never heard the color Red speak.

Nor do I want to hear what it has to say.

To me, Red might sound like a shade of orange

And I should not enjoy

Being confused.

A woman will never fall in love with the man who only swoons her with flattery

Too many are the sweet words that fall off his tongue

No longer are they as sweet,

With each word she begins to hear what sounds like "Hello."

When the book of poetry in your head has run out

I wonder what next will you have to recite.

May you glow Red,

And nothing more

You must know how Beautiful you are

In your truest of hues.

For Real

I wonder if it's true. When they said I was meant to be something, when they said I have a means to an end. Or am I just another brain, a brain with a head, a head with a body, a body with a name, wandering.

Are we all just inanimate objects taking up space, or do we find a purpose. One that connects us to a higher force, one that connects us to each other.

I wonder if I just floated to you. If we gravitated. Or someone was placing us like pawns on a chess board. How did the people in my life, you know, get there? And was it all a coincidence or can fate take some kind of credit? It seems like as human beings we're always finding a way to be free from what binds us to fear and the unknown. And to a certain degree I imagine life is all a game until I reach about 25. Like I am fooling myself to believe in grown-up things like love and self-discovery.

When you're young, how do you know what's real, and what isn't?

I don't get out much, but when I do some times I find myself getting outside of my own head only to find the "real world" is just like another reality TV show. If I didn't feel like I had stepped into an episode of Laguna Beach, it was Jersey Shore. And it's the girls that I don't understand. At times I'll meet other girls and forget that they're even real. Like if they had REAL qualities and hobbies that don't involve gossiping or partying all the time.

The Point:

By the time we're old enough to care about others' perceptions of ourselves we will second guess every thing we do. And wonder if we are getting it right; always searching for the right person to be in our lives before they pass us by.

Either we'll look for someone to fit a impossibly perfect mold, or settle for less just so we can feel a little less lonely the next day. We'll either play hard to get, or be just plain easy. We're either too stubborn or too willing to compromise ourselves to find companionship.

The question is not what type of girls are most guys into, or, for guys, what attracts the most girls. Because at the end of the day, I don't think girls need the majority of the male population to be at her doorstep, and no guy plans to have 4 different girlfriends at the same time.

I only need one person. One person who can make me laugh when I'm on another one of my hot-headed rants, and one person who can love me even when he knows I'm a little bit weird because he's a little bit weird too.

I don't know if I believe in fate, but if it does exist I'm not about to fabricate myself to piss it off. As long as I stay true to myself, whatever happens, I know it'll be authentic. And that'd be more than enough for me.

And She Gets The Boy

Inspired by Lupe Fiasco's "And He Gets the Girl"

Hella old, but one of my favorite pieces I've done :)

It was 50
The answer to problem 3
It’s a little late since asking me
But I’m the one who stared if you don’t remember me
We have Period 3 algerbra with mr coop
I sat behind you as an attempt for your pursuit
I’ve never seen the back of a head look so cute
And if I didn’t turn mute
God only knows I would’ve proposed
I would’ve said I like everything about you, the plaid in your clothes
The way you button your shirt and the congestion of your nose
I’m not into cool guys
I like your tube socks and bow ties
And if I could choose
Every Saturday morning I’d watch power rangers with you
You squirtel is good but no match for my Pikachu
I don’t have a fat ass or size double D’s
In fact I barely wear a B
I don’t turn heads when I walk down the hall necessarily
Guys don’t need a better look at me
But if it counts I’m good at being Asian
I like dumplings with good conversation
I hate winter’s cold weather
But I love the warmth of your ugly Christmas sweater
You might notice I tend to talk to myself
But my therapist says personal companionship is good for your health
you’re the kind of person who could be my best friend
Put together all kinds of loose ends
Yeah it could’ve been the polos
The sweater vests or bifocals
But I think it was the way he wore his heart in his front shirt pocket
Right next to his mechanical pencils, pens left splotches
But no matter how I dressed or how I did my hair
The only time he ever noticed me was when I stumbled down the stairs
It must have been the excessive rambling
Always the victim of hall traffic trampling
The poopy color of my eyes
Why do I even try?
Then I see you approaching me thinking my vision wasn’t focused
You said correct me if I’m wrong but I couldn’t help notice
You’ve got two left feet and no sense of gravitation
But if it is any revelation
I’ve got two right feet and I’m patient
You’re a Pisces, I’m a Capricorn, it must be in the constellations.
I’ll never forget that day
But after a while that boy I knew went away
Every morning before school you’d put on your cool
Just to follow the rules
I was yesterday’s news
And there was nothing I could do
It was a slanted crowded and a favored game
But All of the sudden I hear my name
He put on his glasses and pointed at his pocket
It’s still there…you can have it if you want it

Numb It Down

I don't feel like letting people in anymore.

I'm scared.

Some people might think that that statement alone is me opening up but that's just me telling the truth. Everyone's scared. And for me, it's easy to admit because I know it's true. But I don't really know how to be vulnerable around other people anymore. At school, I'm the cool confident one that's always doing her own thing. And even though I have plenty of friends, I think, at school, I isolate myself from others. Mostly because I feel like I don't fit in. See, that might sound like a surprise to some people because it seems like I'm the kind of girl who choses to be independent, to be individualistic. And for that, sometimes I regret putting myself in a place where no one can reach me. I wonder if there's something wrong with me. The way some people think and act at school can make me so angry, but then I just get mad at myself for judging because it makes me realize I have a kind of resentment in me that will never go away.

I just want someone to understand.

I have those moments, the ones when you feel so overwhelmed with life and that kinda stuff, that you just want someone there to say, "It's okay, you're good enough." But it's like I don't trust people with my feelings and insecurities anymore. People always have ulterior motives. Friends who are too insecure with themselves to even begin to help you feel better about yourself; parents who always want to fix things or tell you you're wrong for feeling a certain way. I'm scared to give a private and personal part of me away because I'm afraid people won't really appreciate it for what it is.

Tonight I had a very emotional conversation with my parents. My mom told me--like she always tells me--that I'm wasting my time doing meaningless things like dance and that I'm not focusing on school enough; that I need to prioritize what's important or else I won't be successful in the future. I told her I didn't want my value as a person to be defined by how book smart I am; that for the first time I found something that makes being "me" worthwhile. I've lived my whole life thinking. Thinking about what I'm doing wrong, thinking about how to be the best, thinking about how to be happy. And for the first time, for the slightest moment, I dance and I'm not thinking anymore. For the slightest moment, I'm just living.

And it feels beautiful to me.

That was the first time I told anybody about how I felt about dancing. And then I started crying uncontrollably! And in my head I was screaming "why are you crying??!" but then I realized it was because I was reminded of how much my parents don't understand me and every time I try to help them understand I end up feeling so desperate. Like I desperately want them to accept what I want in my heart, and not just what I want because it seems logical. But they don't. And for about 30 seconds my heart drops and I feel helpless. And then I let it go. Because I'll tell myself, this happens every time and I saw it coming.

I guess I wish I had more faith in people. And maybe even more in myself. I'm just scared of being let down again because every time I've let someone in they'll make a mess and then leave without cleaning up. I want someone to genuinely care about me. Not because it'll make them feel better about themselves. Not because their girl ain't treatin them right. Not because they just "want me to get into a good college."

But because they'd really appreciate some kind of monetary favor.

Haha.

Just kidding.

I Waved Goodbye to Yesterday as Tomorrow Took Me By the Hand

I was looking through old pictures of my parents back in the 80's, and then the 90's when my sister and I were born. There were some pictures that made me laugh, some pictures that made me remember, some pictures that made me want to cry. Sometimes I forget all the memories I've had with my family. Looking back, those days seem like another life, the girl I saw in the pictures wasn't me, I didn't recognize her. She was a small, delicate, boyish-looking girl and I noticed the way she smiled, like every day she fell in love with the world all over again. A new soul--not yet spoiled. Naive yet so oblivious, and all I could think was,

that use to be me.

The 1980's never seemed so sweet till that night. I wish I could've been a stranger passing my parents by on the street back then; young love, people would call it. Seeing them together, I imagine, would be something like magic. My mom was glowing, a young woman with a smile that was like meeting beautiful for the first time. There was a light to her, one that I have never had the chance to see for as long as I've been old enough to remember. Back then, she was free. And then there was my dad, so obviously in love, it was written all over his face. Scrawny and goofy but handsome in his own right, I could see he brought out something romantic in my mom, something that had been completely foreign to her until she met my dad.

And I wonder if I ruined it. If time ruined it.

I wonder if I grew up too fast. If I turned out to be what my parents always imagined their daughter to be. If they're still happy together, 25-years and 2 kids later. If in the end they'd say: I'd go back and do it all over again. If later on in the future I'd say the same. One of these days I'll have grown up into a woman and my childhood will seem even further away, my parents a little older every year, and I wonder how I'll find my way back to the beginning, to the place I grew up, to the people I have never stopped loving. But then again something tells me I will.

To mom and dad, for all the times you never gave up on me, I hope to be living proof that for the past seventeen years and all the years to come, your hard work and dedication raising me from a little girl to a young lady was and will never be in vain.

Songs of the Week

25 to Life- JoJo

Over-Drake

Fire- Lupe Fiasco

The Scientist- Coldplay

Kings and Queens- 30 Seconds to Mars

Quando Quando Quando- Michael Buble (feat. Nelly Furtado)

She Ain't My Girl- Trey Songz & Sammie

I'm Beaming- Lupe Fiasco

Enter Galactic- KiD CuDi

I Like People

I like people. They are pretty and smart and do nice things. They help me do my math homework. They go out to lunch with me on school days. They decorate my room with balloons and banners and surprise me. They hold my hand when we are walking close to one another. They make me fried rice late at night. They kiss me hello, and they kiss me good bye. They say funny things that make me laugh. They tell me they are proud of me when I work hard. They inspire me to pursue dreams I thought I could never achieve. They show me how to love. They make me feel less lonely. And when I hate the world and what it can do, they make me feel warm and fuzzy inside and the world is good again.

I Like People.

Life Liver

"Happiness is realizing nothing is too important." -Spanish writer Antonio Gala

So...I Disagree. In certain aspects of life this holds some kind of truth. But imagine if everyone in this world believed in order to be happy you just simply lived life as if nothing had urgency. You could never be a true lover, or a nurturing parent, or have an influence on humanity. And it bothers me because there are people in life who just "go with the flow" and go through every day smiling through it all, as if they were a robot. Where is the substance? Where is the passion? Because no, not everything is okay just the way it is. And no, whatever happens doesn't always just, happen. Life is meant to be complex and tangled and dimensional. Thinking simply is just a blanket. Something that's comfortable and easy. Unattached, empty, uninspired. How beautiful is it to be emotional, and vulnerable and hopeful. How rewarding is it to struggle and triumph? How incredible are human beings' ability to perceive intellect, and feel emotions deeper and more meaningful than any other species on this earth? I have hope for things. I build it up until it becomes the most important thing in the world. And I'm young, this is true, and I might be foolish and naive. But I will never waste my emotions by pretending they're not there. I put value and worth on something that I embrace with this ridiculous thing called my heart and I fight for it.

Now I'm just trying to draw the line between what's worth fighting for and what's not.

Beautiful Little Fool

For my language arts class we've been reading the novel The Great Gatsby and it's the first novel I've ever read that I've actually taken liking to. F. Scott Fitzgerald is a literary genius first and foremost. His insight is amazing. Something you inquire not through what he directly says in text but how he utilizes the characters and symbols in the story to perfectly personify each theme he's trying to convey. I adore his writing. Here's some quotes I wanted to take note of:

"They were careless people, Tom and Daisy--they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made....I shook hands with him; it seemed silly not to, for I felt suddenly as though I were talking to a child. Then he went into the jewelry store to buy a pearl necklace, rid of my provincial squeamishness forever."

"A bad driver is only safe until she meets another bad driver."

"If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life, as if he were related to one of those intricate machines that register earthquakes ten thousand miles away....It was an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness such as I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again."

"And I hope she'll be a fool--that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."

To the Foolish and the Vulnerable (Everyone).

You were unwilling

To face what future will bring

The tide is building

and you're ready to push me away

I was waiting

the sunlight was fading

the words you were saying

was what I forced you to say

The look in your eyes

seemed to look past every heart

Forever young

but compassion comes with age

And that's where maturity starts

and these People,

they're just words on a page

In similar fonts

Objects and figures

of superficial wants

Or do you see them like I do

Emotions and beautiful tragedies

Stupid jokes and the ones who will laugh with me

Living poetry and depth perception

Contradiction and it's perfection

Let go of your years of immunity,

Let go of your fears of uncertainty

like yesterday's fart
Love is
Saving room to be vulnerable in your heart

I felt your desperation

And maybe I was left behind

Because I didn't want it enough

But all your aspirations

Compromised love's integrity

When push came to shove

Will you stop running?

And stand with me for a while

This place might feel lonely at first

But don't listen to them when they said you'd never smile

Unless you held on to something that wasn't even real

Because love is agile

Untamed and wild

Let it be free
Slow down

And stand with me

Because right now you might not understand

And right now you might not know

But together we'll make it okay to be alone

Fear.

"Fear is false evidence that appears to be real."

Today was my first full day at the state competition for a business program at school called DECA. 2,000 high school students gathered in one huge collective mass as my existence gradually began to feel smaller and smaller. It didn't take long for me to realize the scale of things--I was just one in a crowd of many and it was overwhelming if not intimidating to me. I sat there watching a bunch of white boys get up and dance to "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga, student bodies chanting their school's name, neighboring school's competing to see who could be the loudest, guys walking up and down the aisles scanning the crowd of people looking for "cute girls" and I just felt...uncomfortable. Everyone was so desperate for attention. And they would be just a little too loud and a little too foolish to get it. The only thing that bothered me was my school. The only school who used being assholes as their method of getting attention. The row of boys behind me would boo the other school's during their rallies and add "sucks" at the end when a school would chant their name. At first I felt embarrassed for them. And then I felt embarrassed for myself to be a part of a school that represented themselves in such a ignorant and obnoxious way. And at first no one said anything. Some people even felt like they should join in. By the second "boo" I turned around and pointed my flashing ba-dazzle baton (don't worry about it) at them and said "HEY! Stop being mean!" I even baton-fighted them to fend for our school's dignity. They didn't listen to me, those stupid stupid butt heads.

Keith Hawkins. Spoke at our open ceremony and one of the first things he said was how disrespectful some of us had behaved when he sat among us and he spoke about initiative and speaking out instead of silencing ourselves in the face of controversy. He said, those who are normal act in fear. Those who are normal watch in silence, and those who are abnormal take initiative to bring about change. He spoke with such defiance and purity. "Courage plus consideration equals maturity." Those who have the courage to speak vulgarly don't have the consideration to restrain. Why can't we be the ones to say: it's not okay.

I didn't look back and give the guys sitting behind me the stink eye nor did i say "haha, that's right, I'm the shit," but for once I felt that I was different. I've never been as smart as my sister. I never been as hard working as my parents. And I'm certainly not as straight gifted as some of my friends. But I don't have to be sought after or famous or super talented to be good enough. To be brave enough. To be special.

So that is right. And yes, I kind of am the shit.