My Final Say

Things feel so different. Time has changed so many things, my mind feels expanded, and the more it fills the weaker my spirit and the more convoluted my vision of the world as I see it becomes. It's like a little piece of me dies when things break a part. When I realize things don't just happen because you want it so bad. When I realized the good guy doesn't always win. When I realize I'm not always the good guy. When I realized He's not always going to love me back. Love isn't love like I dreamt it to be when I was a little girl growing up. It wasn't fairytales and happily ever afters; it was at times misconceived, ill-timed, and unrequited.

But every now and then I let things go, like my pride and my ego and my self-consciousness. And I can tell that I'm still that little girl. She's the one who wants to see the good in everyone. Who trusts that people have integrity. That they wouldn't say degrading things. That they would never hurt anyone. She's the one that keeps me from denying you every time. The one that's always there for you even when you don't know how much it hurts. The one that hopes one day you'll find yourself. But I don't see her very often because I don't want her to see who you've become. How many times you've manipulated her emotions to satisfy your need for attention. And you never apologized, you never thought to ask. But it's okay because it's me now and I won't ever ask you to care.

Although I've grown up a little I'm grateful. Because I realize how much I look out for myself. I realize how much I'm confident in who I am. I have conviction and strength and I can see beauty in others so I know I can see beauty in myself.

You are perfect. I meant it when I said it. I don't see the wall of guilt and insecurities you put up even though I know it's there. But you're not strong enough and I can't be your crutch. In the end I cared for who I know you can be. Not who you are now.