For Real

I wonder if it's true. When they said I was meant to be something, when they said I have a means to an end. Or am I just another brain, a brain with a head, a head with a body, a body with a name, wandering.

Are we all just inanimate objects taking up space, or do we find a purpose. One that connects us to a higher force, one that connects us to each other.

I wonder if I just floated to you. If we gravitated. Or someone was placing us like pawns on a chess board. How did the people in my life, you know, get there? And was it all a coincidence or can fate take some kind of credit? It seems like as human beings we're always finding a way to be free from what binds us to fear and the unknown. And to a certain degree I imagine life is all a game until I reach about 25. Like I am fooling myself to believe in grown-up things like love and self-discovery.

When you're young, how do you know what's real, and what isn't?

I don't get out much, but when I do some times I find myself getting outside of my own head only to find the "real world" is just like another reality TV show. If I didn't feel like I had stepped into an episode of Laguna Beach, it was Jersey Shore. And it's the girls that I don't understand. At times I'll meet other girls and forget that they're even real. Like if they had REAL qualities and hobbies that don't involve gossiping or partying all the time.

The Point:

By the time we're old enough to care about others' perceptions of ourselves we will second guess every thing we do. And wonder if we are getting it right; always searching for the right person to be in our lives before they pass us by.

Either we'll look for someone to fit a impossibly perfect mold, or settle for less just so we can feel a little less lonely the next day. We'll either play hard to get, or be just plain easy. We're either too stubborn or too willing to compromise ourselves to find companionship.

The question is not what type of girls are most guys into, or, for guys, what attracts the most girls. Because at the end of the day, I don't think girls need the majority of the male population to be at her doorstep, and no guy plans to have 4 different girlfriends at the same time.

I only need one person. One person who can make me laugh when I'm on another one of my hot-headed rants, and one person who can love me even when he knows I'm a little bit weird because he's a little bit weird too.

I don't know if I believe in fate, but if it does exist I'm not about to fabricate myself to piss it off. As long as I stay true to myself, whatever happens, I know it'll be authentic. And that'd be more than enough for me.

And She Gets The Boy

Inspired by Lupe Fiasco's "And He Gets the Girl"

Hella old, but one of my favorite pieces I've done :)

It was 50
The answer to problem 3
It’s a little late since asking me
But I’m the one who stared if you don’t remember me
We have Period 3 algerbra with mr coop
I sat behind you as an attempt for your pursuit
I’ve never seen the back of a head look so cute
And if I didn’t turn mute
God only knows I would’ve proposed
I would’ve said I like everything about you, the plaid in your clothes
The way you button your shirt and the congestion of your nose
I’m not into cool guys
I like your tube socks and bow ties
And if I could choose
Every Saturday morning I’d watch power rangers with you
You squirtel is good but no match for my Pikachu
I don’t have a fat ass or size double D’s
In fact I barely wear a B
I don’t turn heads when I walk down the hall necessarily
Guys don’t need a better look at me
But if it counts I’m good at being Asian
I like dumplings with good conversation
I hate winter’s cold weather
But I love the warmth of your ugly Christmas sweater
You might notice I tend to talk to myself
But my therapist says personal companionship is good for your health
you’re the kind of person who could be my best friend
Put together all kinds of loose ends
Yeah it could’ve been the polos
The sweater vests or bifocals
But I think it was the way he wore his heart in his front shirt pocket
Right next to his mechanical pencils, pens left splotches
But no matter how I dressed or how I did my hair
The only time he ever noticed me was when I stumbled down the stairs
It must have been the excessive rambling
Always the victim of hall traffic trampling
The poopy color of my eyes
Why do I even try?
Then I see you approaching me thinking my vision wasn’t focused
You said correct me if I’m wrong but I couldn’t help notice
You’ve got two left feet and no sense of gravitation
But if it is any revelation
I’ve got two right feet and I’m patient
You’re a Pisces, I’m a Capricorn, it must be in the constellations.
I’ll never forget that day
But after a while that boy I knew went away
Every morning before school you’d put on your cool
Just to follow the rules
I was yesterday’s news
And there was nothing I could do
It was a slanted crowded and a favored game
But All of the sudden I hear my name
He put on his glasses and pointed at his pocket
It’s still there…you can have it if you want it

Numb It Down

I don't feel like letting people in anymore.

I'm scared.

Some people might think that that statement alone is me opening up but that's just me telling the truth. Everyone's scared. And for me, it's easy to admit because I know it's true. But I don't really know how to be vulnerable around other people anymore. At school, I'm the cool confident one that's always doing her own thing. And even though I have plenty of friends, I think, at school, I isolate myself from others. Mostly because I feel like I don't fit in. See, that might sound like a surprise to some people because it seems like I'm the kind of girl who choses to be independent, to be individualistic. And for that, sometimes I regret putting myself in a place where no one can reach me. I wonder if there's something wrong with me. The way some people think and act at school can make me so angry, but then I just get mad at myself for judging because it makes me realize I have a kind of resentment in me that will never go away.

I just want someone to understand.

I have those moments, the ones when you feel so overwhelmed with life and that kinda stuff, that you just want someone there to say, "It's okay, you're good enough." But it's like I don't trust people with my feelings and insecurities anymore. People always have ulterior motives. Friends who are too insecure with themselves to even begin to help you feel better about yourself; parents who always want to fix things or tell you you're wrong for feeling a certain way. I'm scared to give a private and personal part of me away because I'm afraid people won't really appreciate it for what it is.

Tonight I had a very emotional conversation with my parents. My mom told me--like she always tells me--that I'm wasting my time doing meaningless things like dance and that I'm not focusing on school enough; that I need to prioritize what's important or else I won't be successful in the future. I told her I didn't want my value as a person to be defined by how book smart I am; that for the first time I found something that makes being "me" worthwhile. I've lived my whole life thinking. Thinking about what I'm doing wrong, thinking about how to be the best, thinking about how to be happy. And for the first time, for the slightest moment, I dance and I'm not thinking anymore. For the slightest moment, I'm just living.

And it feels beautiful to me.

That was the first time I told anybody about how I felt about dancing. And then I started crying uncontrollably! And in my head I was screaming "why are you crying??!" but then I realized it was because I was reminded of how much my parents don't understand me and every time I try to help them understand I end up feeling so desperate. Like I desperately want them to accept what I want in my heart, and not just what I want because it seems logical. But they don't. And for about 30 seconds my heart drops and I feel helpless. And then I let it go. Because I'll tell myself, this happens every time and I saw it coming.

I guess I wish I had more faith in people. And maybe even more in myself. I'm just scared of being let down again because every time I've let someone in they'll make a mess and then leave without cleaning up. I want someone to genuinely care about me. Not because it'll make them feel better about themselves. Not because their girl ain't treatin them right. Not because they just "want me to get into a good college."

But because they'd really appreciate some kind of monetary favor.

Haha.

Just kidding.