Numb It Down

I don't feel like letting people in anymore.

I'm scared.

Some people might think that that statement alone is me opening up but that's just me telling the truth. Everyone's scared. And for me, it's easy to admit because I know it's true. But I don't really know how to be vulnerable around other people anymore. At school, I'm the cool confident one that's always doing her own thing. And even though I have plenty of friends, I think, at school, I isolate myself from others. Mostly because I feel like I don't fit in. See, that might sound like a surprise to some people because it seems like I'm the kind of girl who choses to be independent, to be individualistic. And for that, sometimes I regret putting myself in a place where no one can reach me. I wonder if there's something wrong with me. The way some people think and act at school can make me so angry, but then I just get mad at myself for judging because it makes me realize I have a kind of resentment in me that will never go away.

I just want someone to understand.

I have those moments, the ones when you feel so overwhelmed with life and that kinda stuff, that you just want someone there to say, "It's okay, you're good enough." But it's like I don't trust people with my feelings and insecurities anymore. People always have ulterior motives. Friends who are too insecure with themselves to even begin to help you feel better about yourself; parents who always want to fix things or tell you you're wrong for feeling a certain way. I'm scared to give a private and personal part of me away because I'm afraid people won't really appreciate it for what it is.

Tonight I had a very emotional conversation with my parents. My mom told me--like she always tells me--that I'm wasting my time doing meaningless things like dance and that I'm not focusing on school enough; that I need to prioritize what's important or else I won't be successful in the future. I told her I didn't want my value as a person to be defined by how book smart I am; that for the first time I found something that makes being "me" worthwhile. I've lived my whole life thinking. Thinking about what I'm doing wrong, thinking about how to be the best, thinking about how to be happy. And for the first time, for the slightest moment, I dance and I'm not thinking anymore. For the slightest moment, I'm just living.

And it feels beautiful to me.

That was the first time I told anybody about how I felt about dancing. And then I started crying uncontrollably! And in my head I was screaming "why are you crying??!" but then I realized it was because I was reminded of how much my parents don't understand me and every time I try to help them understand I end up feeling so desperate. Like I desperately want them to accept what I want in my heart, and not just what I want because it seems logical. But they don't. And for about 30 seconds my heart drops and I feel helpless. And then I let it go. Because I'll tell myself, this happens every time and I saw it coming.

I guess I wish I had more faith in people. And maybe even more in myself. I'm just scared of being let down again because every time I've let someone in they'll make a mess and then leave without cleaning up. I want someone to genuinely care about me. Not because it'll make them feel better about themselves. Not because their girl ain't treatin them right. Not because they just "want me to get into a good college."

But because they'd really appreciate some kind of monetary favor.

Haha.

Just kidding.