Sunday, March 6, 2011
Ultimatum
I can't decide on....anything anymore.
Suddenly there's this conflict of interests, the conflict that I have too many interests. It almost makes me nervous that I take to so many different things. You're suppose to go through life knowing that your good at one thing. It's your thing. The thing that you spend all your time perfecting, the thing that makes you most happy. But I don't know what could potentially make me most happy. And that's scary. For every interest I've ever tried to pursue, each one possesses some thing that the others don't, lacking one thing that the others have. And somewhere along this line of "I Want to Have a Little Bit of Everything," aka "Bullshit," there is a compromise that needs to be made. An inevitable concept in life, but one I seem unable to grasp. And although the only way I will find sanity is to find a focus, I have a feeling that that choice is not necessarily present in my life right now.
I need to know that I have options--for example, in relationships. Currently my life's dating vocabulary isn't very sophisticated. Right now it feels like a two-way street. An ultimatum - either option A or B. But I need to get some 4 way intersections poppin' off in this joint because I'd like to believe that there's more out there for me to explore.
So far I've discovered that I like to be treated rather unfortunately...unfortunately. But only 98% of the time! Because the other 2% of genuine attention I get is enough to keep me lingering. It's like going to a candy shop and buying an ass-flavored lollipop and then going home and complaining that it tastes like ass. But oh wait! The last lick had a hint of watermelon in it, so I continue to put up with eating an ass-flavored lollipop in hopes that I will soon come across another lick of watermelon, meanwhile trying to make-up bullshit excuses for why the lollipop is in the business of tasting like ass. Any reasonable person would say, hey Louisa! why not just buy an actual watermelon-flavored lollipop? And I would say you know what reasonable person?
I don't know. I don't know!
...I just. Don't know....
Suddenly there's this conflict of interests, the conflict that I have too many interests. It almost makes me nervous that I take to so many different things. You're suppose to go through life knowing that your good at one thing. It's your thing. The thing that you spend all your time perfecting, the thing that makes you most happy. But I don't know what could potentially make me most happy. And that's scary. For every interest I've ever tried to pursue, each one possesses some thing that the others don't, lacking one thing that the others have. And somewhere along this line of "I Want to Have a Little Bit of Everything," aka "Bullshit," there is a compromise that needs to be made. An inevitable concept in life, but one I seem unable to grasp. And although the only way I will find sanity is to find a focus, I have a feeling that that choice is not necessarily present in my life right now.
I need to know that I have options--for example, in relationships. Currently my life's dating vocabulary isn't very sophisticated. Right now it feels like a two-way street. An ultimatum - either option A or B. But I need to get some 4 way intersections poppin' off in this joint because I'd like to believe that there's more out there for me to explore.
So far I've discovered that I like to be treated rather unfortunately...unfortunately. But only 98% of the time! Because the other 2% of genuine attention I get is enough to keep me lingering. It's like going to a candy shop and buying an ass-flavored lollipop and then going home and complaining that it tastes like ass. But oh wait! The last lick had a hint of watermelon in it, so I continue to put up with eating an ass-flavored lollipop in hopes that I will soon come across another lick of watermelon, meanwhile trying to make-up bullshit excuses for why the lollipop is in the business of tasting like ass. Any reasonable person would say, hey Louisa! why not just buy an actual watermelon-flavored lollipop? And I would say you know what reasonable person?
I don't know. I don't know!
...I just. Don't know....
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