Poker Face

I think

We're all just people who are desperately confused, pretending like we know everything.

By now, if you've gone through enough relationships you've gotten pretty good at it too.

But underneath our self-empowered, all-knowing personas we're all just as lost as the person sitting next to us. We just won't admit it. Who's bluffing, who's calling the bluff? We're so fast to point the finger. Blaming others for their wrongs so we seem more in the right. And the best part about the game, is you can get away with it. It might make you a hypocrite, but what's the difference when know one knows but you?

We're all victims of our own crimes, really.

I've been thinking a lot about self-worth lately. And a lot about what it takes to be in a place where my self-worth can be entirely unaffected by others. Some days I build myself up enough to believe that I don't need be reliant on others to determine how I should feel. Giving myself pep talks on these occasions goes a long way :). But then on other days shit can really get to me!

Like when people go in and out of my life all the time.

I always see it coming, too.

I knew they were going to go away. But I'm still naive, and I trusted them.

It's so exhausting...spending so much time caring about someone and then looking back and feeling like they never even happened.

I've always been so reserved when it came to letting people in. But when I really value some one as a person I'm willing to give them a chance, and even though it's rare, when I open up to some one I really open up to them.

It's strange how things can change so quickly, and I guess there will be times when I don't even get an explanation for it. Even though I feel like maybe, just maybe, I deserve one.

In the end, I never know how to feel. I never know how to play this game that I didn't sign up for in the first place.

There will be hits and misses--all the time. Life has no pattern when it comes to the people you meet and how they will affect you. It's funny, as a girl and talking to my girl friends, it seems that there's always that one guy that's a miss. And you're self-esteem, over here, gets PISSED right? And yes, it is completely my intention to state the obvious...denial doesn't sit well...at all. It's almost as if getting denied by that one person makes you reevaluate your entire existence.

Like... what the hell is going on?! How could you NOT be into me. I can chew gum AND tie my shoes at the same time?? That should be a done deal. We like butter on our pancakes AND both our mama's names start with a T?? We are sooo perfect for each other.

But the thing is...

None of that matters.

We can have the world in common, but that's never going to be enough.

I can be the bees knees in my eyes, but I'm just another girl to him.

I don't pursue guys a lot, it might be because I'm scared of rejection, or it might be because I'm just plain LAZY. But I've felt it before. It's called, he's just not that into you. Watch the movie, do what you gotta do...

But ladies (and fellas),

It's time to make amends and just let it go.

So what did I realize this week?

I'm happy with who I am, and if a guy can see that person and still not love it too, he's not stupid, he's just not right for me. I have so many people in my life who truly care. Who wake up and want to be a part of my life on a daily basis. That should be more than enough. That IS more than enough.

I'm tired of second guessing myself. I'm tired of wondering if things would be different if I just changed. I'm tired of debating as to whether I should grow out my hair just because guys might be intimidated by it (except for gay guys, they eat that shit UP), I love everything about me. I dare to be different and I feel compelled to challenge traditional thinking on what's "beautiful."

So I think I'll be happy with who I am now. And that means being myself, not letting a miss here and there get me down, and keeping my short hair.

And you're going to like it, too.

I promise