What I Was Tryna Tell You

What I was tryna tell you

Is that I'm the fuckin realist

Call me a walking salesman

Cause I can show you what the deal is

So caught up in the cool

What ever happened to the realness?

Tryna make the right moves

So I hope that you can feel this.

Love is something we speak about prematurely

So I could tell I started loving you far too early

You know I put out alotta shit cause I'm so wordy

But how many of them do you think really heard me?

My consciences feels heavy

Look at how you left me

I should've known this time,

Time would let you forget me.

And man, it's been a while since I've felt appreciated

Cause like you that feeling evaporated

And I can just remember how much I hated

Feeling like all I did was waited

For you to make yourself out of the fake you created

But spend 3 minutes with me and a heart untainted

And I swear I'll give you everything you anticipated.

I'm ready for them to see

What my mind sees

But I'm telling you if you ain't ready, don't tease me

If you're tied down by the past, you won't please me

I know seducing your last girl with your bullshit was easy

But I'm not just another girl for you to mess around with

I got a confidence and a swag I go to town with

So you can call up your petty bitches when you wanna get faded

But call me after when you're ready to get upgraded.

Cause I don't have the time

For you and your deluded mind

No cure great enough for you to find

Cause I can see through the surface of your fake persona

The ignorance, you're such a prima donna.

And I know I can't change everyones ways

Or the things they've done

I just want everybody to listen to me

Like Drake's new album.

But tonight I won't need your love to find

When you're out there looking for your dignity

I've already found mine.

I know you're lost, tryna find what's true

But even if I let you in

You wouldn't know what to do

I can't even look at you

Without feeling confused

If I could give you salvation

You know that's what I'd do

But you keep bringing yourself down and

That's on you.

Maybe

I was inspired to write this by a song about falling for someone. But I decided to write an end to that story from personal experiences being the friend who saw the relationship fall apart and was never really put back together right.

Maybe

Maybe I'd like to call you lovely

Maybe I'd trade in all my money

To spend the day drinking tea and honey

This time I made enough breakfast for two

And I might be a little tough

And I might be

Stubborn and stuff

But it gets me when you do that

Thing that you do

Cause you're a catch and I'm out fishing

You're a star and I'm out wishing

I'm a puzzle and you're what's missing

I hope that heart of yours is mine to share

I'm scared we'll change

And come of age

Say some things we never meant to say

But secretly

They're the things that I want you to hear

Like you're so great

I'd like to date

Let's go out to eat or let's just make

A little something on our own

Cause I like clothes from the 60's

And you like movies that are witty

Let's road trip our way into the city

And make a home

But my vision can get a little blurry

and You seem like you're in a hurry

So why don't I just scurry

So you won't hurt me trying to find your way

Cause you look like you're always looking

And I feel like I'm always working

Do you know how long it took me

To find a good excuse for you today

Maybe you were never mine

Maybe it wasn't the right time

And maybe the words don't rhyme

In this kind of world

Maybe I thought this was falling in love

And maybe time calls for us to grow up

Maybe you were just a boy

and I was just a girl

Poker Face

I think

We're all just people who are desperately confused, pretending like we know everything.

By now, if you've gone through enough relationships you've gotten pretty good at it too.

But underneath our self-empowered, all-knowing personas we're all just as lost as the person sitting next to us. We just won't admit it. Who's bluffing, who's calling the bluff? We're so fast to point the finger. Blaming others for their wrongs so we seem more in the right. And the best part about the game, is you can get away with it. It might make you a hypocrite, but what's the difference when know one knows but you?

We're all victims of our own crimes, really.

I've been thinking a lot about self-worth lately. And a lot about what it takes to be in a place where my self-worth can be entirely unaffected by others. Some days I build myself up enough to believe that I don't need be reliant on others to determine how I should feel. Giving myself pep talks on these occasions goes a long way :). But then on other days shit can really get to me!

Like when people go in and out of my life all the time.

I always see it coming, too.

I knew they were going to go away. But I'm still naive, and I trusted them.

It's so exhausting...spending so much time caring about someone and then looking back and feeling like they never even happened.

I've always been so reserved when it came to letting people in. But when I really value some one as a person I'm willing to give them a chance, and even though it's rare, when I open up to some one I really open up to them.

It's strange how things can change so quickly, and I guess there will be times when I don't even get an explanation for it. Even though I feel like maybe, just maybe, I deserve one.

In the end, I never know how to feel. I never know how to play this game that I didn't sign up for in the first place.

There will be hits and misses--all the time. Life has no pattern when it comes to the people you meet and how they will affect you. It's funny, as a girl and talking to my girl friends, it seems that there's always that one guy that's a miss. And you're self-esteem, over here, gets PISSED right? And yes, it is completely my intention to state the obvious...denial doesn't sit well...at all. It's almost as if getting denied by that one person makes you reevaluate your entire existence.

Like... what the hell is going on?! How could you NOT be into me. I can chew gum AND tie my shoes at the same time?? That should be a done deal. We like butter on our pancakes AND both our mama's names start with a T?? We are sooo perfect for each other.

But the thing is...

None of that matters.

We can have the world in common, but that's never going to be enough.

I can be the bees knees in my eyes, but I'm just another girl to him.

I don't pursue guys a lot, it might be because I'm scared of rejection, or it might be because I'm just plain LAZY. But I've felt it before. It's called, he's just not that into you. Watch the movie, do what you gotta do...

But ladies (and fellas),

It's time to make amends and just let it go.

So what did I realize this week?

I'm happy with who I am, and if a guy can see that person and still not love it too, he's not stupid, he's just not right for me. I have so many people in my life who truly care. Who wake up and want to be a part of my life on a daily basis. That should be more than enough. That IS more than enough.

I'm tired of second guessing myself. I'm tired of wondering if things would be different if I just changed. I'm tired of debating as to whether I should grow out my hair just because guys might be intimidated by it (except for gay guys, they eat that shit UP), I love everything about me. I dare to be different and I feel compelled to challenge traditional thinking on what's "beautiful."

So I think I'll be happy with who I am now. And that means being myself, not letting a miss here and there get me down, and keeping my short hair.

And you're going to like it, too.

I promise

(Strategically) In Love

Glasses (Forever 21), Sweatshirt (Arc Thrift Store), Pants (hemmed, Salvation army), Shoes (some shoe store in Orchard mall, heh)


Thought of the day:
I came across these letters I wrote a while back, and they were legitimate LOVE LETTERS! You could only imagine the horror that rushed over me when I started to read every cheesy, cliche word that had actually come from my very own stream of conscienceness. At first I wanted to scream, because yes, I actually remember sending these letters too (all FOUR PAGES), but then I realized, that after 2 years, I have truly suppressed my own hopes for romance and happy endings. I always kinda thought I grew up a pessimist, maybe it was because I had a world class cynic as a sister, or hard-disciplining realists as parents, but it wasn't until I came across such letters that I realized just how much of a romantic I am, or well, had been. I mean, I guess I always knew I had it in me, but embracing it seemed like such a bold move, and there it was, typed proof that embracing it was exactly what I had done. I could blame my naivity or age at that time but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to make excuses. I think it surprisingly relieves me to know that at one point or another I was willing to let myself fall head over heels infatuated with someone. At the end, I actually said I love you too! It was as if I thought I was in The Notebook writing a letter to Ryan Gosling.
I won't delete those letters in disgust or embarrassment, but instead I'll keep them saved, in my "Guilty Pleasures" folder, if such a folder existed. Because it reminds me that once upon a time I was okay with being a little reckless when it came to falling for someone. And it reminds me that I'm capable of putting myself out there and hoping for the best instead of expecting the worst. And maybe one day I won't feel like I have to act so restrained, maybe one day I can picture myself telling someone I love him without cringing, maybe one day I'll write another love letter and send it again.

Blooming Season

Call it spring time, call it renewed ambition, but lately all I want to do is to express myself creatively in as many ways possible. With school ending and my brain cleared of numerical values and grade point averages, I think my soul will finally be able to inhale a little goodness and exhale a little goodness. And I'm pretty excited about that.

So while I will be keeping up with the writing in my blog, I'll also be keeping a look book in this sucker. A fashion log if you will. Hope you all like it :)

PS, look out for more of my photography, For the Lust Photography, being posted on my Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/louisa.meng

Also, my dance crew Hype 303 will be performing June 11th at the Colorado Hip Hop Festival and June 12th at FACC's 15th Annual Philippine Festival, come watch and support!

ALSO, check out Jay Cole photography with Seniors @ 5280 on Facebook.

Okay. That is all.

Gray blazer (H&M), White top (Buffalo Exchange Thrift Store), hoop earrings

Laced top (The Arc), High-wasted jean shorts (Mom's Closet), stockings, brown laced boots (thrifted)

Sleep walking Dream talking

The drool on my pillow

Was worth it.

Because for moments

You were right in front of me

But the waking up

Brought back reality too suddenly

So fast I hadn't even made up my mind on what to wear

Put on my fly as if you were here

So fresh like air

Lookin' in the miror

Like,

Sho'nuff I'd hit it.

Hair lookin good and I woke up with it.

Hey there, Ego

My, myself, and I,

We're the shit

Yeah, we know.

Is that how this is suppose to go?

It seems a lot of people out there got a lot to brag about

But I ain't quite there yet, I got a lot to ask about.

There's just not enough room in my head to think comfortably

I'm fighting with myself in my mind like Three's A Company

Hey World,

I wanna be your favorite girl

So I talk a lot of shit

cause I'm good with words

But how much is that really worth

Nowadays what's in a word

But something everyone's already heard.

okay

Today was like every day

And I got a little scared.

A little bit love impaired

A little bit too aware

Of what happens next when I push green

Go

A little too calculated

A little too in-the-know

So I got a little self-righteous

From trying so hard to fight this

Feeling that I get when I'm fallin again

Couldn't tell you how I felt

So now I'm writing again.

It never wanted to lose the romance

One day it'll outweigh my conscience

In the end,

I'll send away my doubts and trade them for you

All the things that I fear for the things that you do

Because the problems in my mind,

I always calculated fine

But the music in my soul

Always found a way to rhyme

And its melody and its chime

Will be found somehow in time.

In time to say I'd like to go on date

With you if it's not too late.

"I heard the old, old men say, all that is Beautiful drifts away" -James Joyce

I've never seen wild things cry from a broken heart.

so Why, then, do I not envy such things.

Some say they are running towards freedom.

But I say they are just running away

You are not tamed nor will you ever be tamed

and For this, I respect your audacity.

But how dare you shake the apples from my tree

and leave me bare.

I watched you take a single bite of the fruit

That of which has fallen from my very limbs.

It satisfied your empty stomach

and that was enough.

It was not until you were full and ready

Did you started running again.

I've never seen proud men grow.

I have seen them smile, but never for someone else.

You may hide behind your golden mask

But I will never try to see through it.

And neither will the peasants who worship your throne.

For them,

Nothing more had caught their eye but the shine to your dollar.

The stench of self-pity and mourning fills this room.

Could it be the Sorrow hanging on your back?

I have never seen a wilted flower bloom again.

When spring came, still, it did not bloom.

The flower that has lived in winter for the past plenty years

Will never know,

That I must have wished upon it 10 times over.

You are blinded by the never ending rivers that flow against the banks of your pigmented skin

I waited for the rains to die down and the clouds to clear

But it never did

And I wasn't going to wait for another spring,

To fall in love with you.

I've never seen a mirror with a face but that of someone else's.

Why do I feel robbed?

I wake up at dawn

Every day self-assured and confident

But the Devil greets me when I look at the world.

Envy.

And now I am small.

I build myself up again with fallacies

And pretty looking things.

Tonight I will go to sleep with a different face on.

Who am I, she says.

I have never heard the color Red speak.

Nor do I want to hear what it has to say.

To me, Red might sound like a shade of orange

And I should not enjoy

Being confused.

A woman will never fall in love with the man who only swoons her with flattery

Too many are the sweet words that fall off his tongue

No longer are they as sweet,

With each word she begins to hear what sounds like "Hello."

When the book of poetry in your head has run out

I wonder what next will you have to recite.

May you glow Red,

And nothing more

You must know how Beautiful you are

In your truest of hues.