Runners

He moves in mysterious ways,

She's on the floor.

And her heart is in her hand. Nestled in her palm with fingers wrapped all around, the only place it can stand.

What's happening? What are you fighting about? Was it my pity that you borrowed? Or do you not see the others that weep in the corners of this box of sorrow? You must still be sitting in the middle.

When she's afraid to feel anything at all, when she's up against the wall, there's no room to fall.

Because you said it was okay to, but it's never okay to, when they're making a mess. There are tears to be shed too, but that's something she can't do, She says, this is what's best.

So afraid of holding onto something she can't see. Asked the world to look at her and see something and believe. Stayed up all night perfecting the perfect you. Overwhelmed with so much work to do. You can tell me if it changed something inside you. You can tell me if you hid your heart when you were trying to hide you. Scared of what the spectators would say if they knew they've been lied to. But I'll always love you same, You know I was never apart of that game.

I remember watching you run from the stranger in the room that swore he was you. And when you weren't thinking you did what he did too. But all that becomes taboo. Hurry up before they see you. You'd rather be see through, just to fall in line. So you'd never get beaten down again for trying to shine.

Use to be invisible so you could love me without pain, told you no matter how much you played with my heart I'd feel just the same, Promised I'd always smile for you, never cry over you, but I was left wanting more in the end, so I swore I'd never play that part again.

My Final Say

Things feel so different. Time has changed so many things, my mind feels expanded, and the more it fills the weaker my spirit and the more convoluted my vision of the world as I see it becomes. It's like a little piece of me dies when things break a part. When I realize things don't just happen because you want it so bad. When I realized the good guy doesn't always win. When I realize I'm not always the good guy. When I realized He's not always going to love me back. Love isn't love like I dreamt it to be when I was a little girl growing up. It wasn't fairytales and happily ever afters; it was at times misconceived, ill-timed, and unrequited.

But every now and then I let things go, like my pride and my ego and my self-consciousness. And I can tell that I'm still that little girl. She's the one who wants to see the good in everyone. Who trusts that people have integrity. That they wouldn't say degrading things. That they would never hurt anyone. She's the one that keeps me from denying you every time. The one that's always there for you even when you don't know how much it hurts. The one that hopes one day you'll find yourself. But I don't see her very often because I don't want her to see who you've become. How many times you've manipulated her emotions to satisfy your need for attention. And you never apologized, you never thought to ask. But it's okay because it's me now and I won't ever ask you to care.

Although I've grown up a little I'm grateful. Because I realize how much I look out for myself. I realize how much I'm confident in who I am. I have conviction and strength and I can see beauty in others so I know I can see beauty in myself.

You are perfect. I meant it when I said it. I don't see the wall of guilt and insecurities you put up even though I know it's there. But you're not strong enough and I can't be your crutch. In the end I cared for who I know you can be. Not who you are now.

Stream of Conscienceness

I'm watching the movie Julie and Julia, well, rather as of now I'm listening because all of the sudden it gave me the urge to write. The character Julie, Amy Adams, writes a blog about her journey cooking through the cook book of legendary chef Julia Child, Meryl Streep. And at that, a movie about a cook blogging about another cook has inspired me to blog myself. I've decided to try a different approach this time. Simple and sweet. When we write, our thoughts come from an organic place; they are in the moment. But a lot of times when I write I force my thoughts onto paper...(well..."paper") It's like I have to think about what I'm thinking...it even sounds ridiculous. So this time, I'm experimenting with a different concept. Going with the flow. The flow of my very own conscience. I must admit, this a little intimidating for me--I rant a lot of the times when I'm thinking to myself. And while I spend much of the time trying to convey a facade of always being confident and self assured, that deteriorates a bit when you get inside my head and you realize how consistently I second guess myself. Well, if you're human I suppose you can relate. (Also when I don't take the time to perfect what I'm writing, indentation seems to escape me. So excuse me for the never-ending paragraph of the century.) I want to travel. Yet, I feel like that's a grown up thing to do so I almost feel obliged to my future, grown up self to wait until I'm in my 20's to really explore the world. But right now, all I want to do is burst this little bubble I live in. Run down the streets of Rome, buy bread on the street corner of Paris, dive into the Mediterranean sea of Greece. How romantic.... Ahem, alright well let me rephrase my previous sentence, I almost feel obliged to my future self to wait until I'm in my 20's to explore Europe. Hmmm. If only I could live in my head forever. I guess that would also turn me into a vegetable. My mom always says, dreams are for people who don't do anything about them. I wonder if it's true....What matters more: what you want the world to be like or how it really is? And which one will you allow to steer you on your life's journey? I can't stop thinking about you. It's starting to worry me. And now because of this you must believe that I am speaking directly from these unorganized thoughts in my head, rest assured. Because heaven forbid, I can never stay on topic without you getting in the way. Why do we, meaning us adolescents, care so much about this sort of thing?? Don't we all know it's a waste of our time? Things like love and soul mates, not to mention marriage and eventually settling down...who in God's name, at our age, knows a single thing about those words and what they could possibly mean? Yes, I'm talking to you, God. What do you have to say for yourself?! If you are who you say you are, the one who gave me emotions like lust and the "I'm feeling lonely without a boy" emotion (sorry I don't know any other way to title that one) then you can have them back! And return them in due time when I'm 24. Along with a suitable, oh excuse me, an outstanding, charming and disgustingly handsome young man who will later on become my husband the father of my kids (I am, in fact, the only candidate to provide my parents with grandchildren. Since my sister is convinced she will not be mothering children of her own due to the inevitability that little kids always have sticky hands, OF COURSE. Probably from eating jam or something, she says.) Yes, that would be quite swell. But on the contrary that is not how things work around here, is it? looks like I'm just going to have to deal with my largely unnecessary feelings towards him. Gross Louisa. And by fact, he IS out there, he does exist. A guy I actually like. A living person, doing...things or what not. But I wish he didn't live the life that he lives, and that under the circumstances, he isn't the person he is. So in that case, is he even truly alive? I mean, literally of course he is. But the guy that I made up in my head, who just so happens to look like him and have the same name, doesn't exist. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I suppose that's the good thing about things like getting an education, focusing on goals, and eventually being successful in a career. They will never change their minds, they will never reject you, and they will never say things that will hurt your feelings. They will never lie to you, or make you feel used. They will never go away. Unless, YOU say so. Unless I say so...It's all on me. Maybe that's why my sister goes to Duke and is currently making bank at her job in Nordstrom. Because in her job, as well as school, as well as her relationships, she likes to be in control. And that, is when she is at her best. My theory, however, is a bit more...I don't know...foolish. And it's called trusting people. Horrible, I know. It involves methods such as trial and error, and a very versatile, very broad spectrum of emotions. But, while there are plenty of good things money and success can give you, there are also quite a few it can't. And maybe I'm still too much of a romantic to give up on trying to obtain those kinds of things. I wonder if all my romanticizing is just a way of being lazy, so I can avoid waking up from my day dreams to reason with reality on maybe settling for something less ambitious and more...stable. Ew. But in the end I must know one thing and it is a very important thing. It is never going to be about superficial wants or even the guy. Most things I spend all my time worrying about now are measly. Just another page in my life story. Another memory in the making. Another step I must take in finding myself. Also very important. I must never go to sleep this late again. That will be the greatest challenge of them all. Wish me luck.

-Louisa's Conscience.

It's Never the Changes We Want that Change Everything

Sometimes things can't be put in a box. Or written down on paper. Or sung through a tune, created into movement, or captured in a photograph. It can't be resolved with words no matter how articulate. It can't be made better by "I love you's" or "It's going to be okay's." Because at one point in our lives we're gonna feel like we're not good enough. No matter how many paintings we paint, how many videos we make of us doing cool things, how many dances we choreograph, how many friends we make, or blogs we write, we're still going to feel...uninspired. Sometimes when the world and its ambitions can be so big all we know to do,

is make us seem small.

It's inevitable: we are insignificant. Every single one of us. I'm not going to do everything I've ever wanted to do. I'm not gonna have everything I've ever wanted to have. We will all fail one way or another in our lifetime; Fall short of who we want to be and where we want to go. So I am insignificant, it's true. But I am not empty, I am not without faith. Gandhi once said, "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."

So even when I'm feeling inferior, or discouraged, or inadequate, I am still hungry to be more, and to chase after impossible dreams. Impossible because while I might think I know now, I really have no idea what I'm chasing after. But I run and I keep running. I cry and I laugh and I fail and I triumph because I know, before I reach my destination, I will turn around, take a left and around the corner I will find happiness. The dream I grew up believing in, will end. And I will look back and say, "Thank God."

In all honesty, there is only so much I know for certain right now. But as for the rest, I am completely and utterly aware of how oblivious I am. I believe that the reason I want certain things so badly now, is so I can use them as means of finding my way to the truth later. But I'm not afraid, and I am not deterred. I will never doubt that at the end of the road, I will be enlightened, I will be happy, and I will have not settled for anything less.

The journey to fulfillment will not be simple, but the destination should be perfectly clear. It will not be a place or a person, but a symbol of how far we've come. So, I'm ready to live the rest of my life now.... To be fair, I guess I've always been ready.

"It's never the changes we want that change everything." Junot Diaz, author

What I Was Tryna Tell You

What I was tryna tell you

Is that I'm the fuckin realist

Call me a walking salesman

Cause I can show you what the deal is

So caught up in the cool

What ever happened to the realness?

Tryna make the right moves

So I hope that you can feel this.

Love is something we speak about prematurely

So I could tell I started loving you far too early

You know I put out alotta shit cause I'm so wordy

But how many of them do you think really heard me?

My consciences feels heavy

Look at how you left me

I should've known this time,

Time would let you forget me.

And man, it's been a while since I've felt appreciated

Cause like you that feeling evaporated

And I can just remember how much I hated

Feeling like all I did was waited

For you to make yourself out of the fake you created

But spend 3 minutes with me and a heart untainted

And I swear I'll give you everything you anticipated.

I'm ready for them to see

What my mind sees

But I'm telling you if you ain't ready, don't tease me

If you're tied down by the past, you won't please me

I know seducing your last girl with your bullshit was easy

But I'm not just another girl for you to mess around with

I got a confidence and a swag I go to town with

So you can call up your petty bitches when you wanna get faded

But call me after when you're ready to get upgraded.

Cause I don't have the time

For you and your deluded mind

No cure great enough for you to find

Cause I can see through the surface of your fake persona

The ignorance, you're such a prima donna.

And I know I can't change everyones ways

Or the things they've done

I just want everybody to listen to me

Like Drake's new album.

But tonight I won't need your love to find

When you're out there looking for your dignity

I've already found mine.

I know you're lost, tryna find what's true

But even if I let you in

You wouldn't know what to do

I can't even look at you

Without feeling confused

If I could give you salvation

You know that's what I'd do

But you keep bringing yourself down and

That's on you.

Maybe

I was inspired to write this by a song about falling for someone. But I decided to write an end to that story from personal experiences being the friend who saw the relationship fall apart and was never really put back together right.

Maybe

Maybe I'd like to call you lovely

Maybe I'd trade in all my money

To spend the day drinking tea and honey

This time I made enough breakfast for two

And I might be a little tough

And I might be

Stubborn and stuff

But it gets me when you do that

Thing that you do

Cause you're a catch and I'm out fishing

You're a star and I'm out wishing

I'm a puzzle and you're what's missing

I hope that heart of yours is mine to share

I'm scared we'll change

And come of age

Say some things we never meant to say

But secretly

They're the things that I want you to hear

Like you're so great

I'd like to date

Let's go out to eat or let's just make

A little something on our own

Cause I like clothes from the 60's

And you like movies that are witty

Let's road trip our way into the city

And make a home

But my vision can get a little blurry

and You seem like you're in a hurry

So why don't I just scurry

So you won't hurt me trying to find your way

Cause you look like you're always looking

And I feel like I'm always working

Do you know how long it took me

To find a good excuse for you today

Maybe you were never mine

Maybe it wasn't the right time

And maybe the words don't rhyme

In this kind of world

Maybe I thought this was falling in love

And maybe time calls for us to grow up

Maybe you were just a boy

and I was just a girl

Poker Face

I think

We're all just people who are desperately confused, pretending like we know everything.

By now, if you've gone through enough relationships you've gotten pretty good at it too.

But underneath our self-empowered, all-knowing personas we're all just as lost as the person sitting next to us. We just won't admit it. Who's bluffing, who's calling the bluff? We're so fast to point the finger. Blaming others for their wrongs so we seem more in the right. And the best part about the game, is you can get away with it. It might make you a hypocrite, but what's the difference when know one knows but you?

We're all victims of our own crimes, really.

I've been thinking a lot about self-worth lately. And a lot about what it takes to be in a place where my self-worth can be entirely unaffected by others. Some days I build myself up enough to believe that I don't need be reliant on others to determine how I should feel. Giving myself pep talks on these occasions goes a long way :). But then on other days shit can really get to me!

Like when people go in and out of my life all the time.

I always see it coming, too.

I knew they were going to go away. But I'm still naive, and I trusted them.

It's so exhausting...spending so much time caring about someone and then looking back and feeling like they never even happened.

I've always been so reserved when it came to letting people in. But when I really value some one as a person I'm willing to give them a chance, and even though it's rare, when I open up to some one I really open up to them.

It's strange how things can change so quickly, and I guess there will be times when I don't even get an explanation for it. Even though I feel like maybe, just maybe, I deserve one.

In the end, I never know how to feel. I never know how to play this game that I didn't sign up for in the first place.

There will be hits and misses--all the time. Life has no pattern when it comes to the people you meet and how they will affect you. It's funny, as a girl and talking to my girl friends, it seems that there's always that one guy that's a miss. And you're self-esteem, over here, gets PISSED right? And yes, it is completely my intention to state the obvious...denial doesn't sit well...at all. It's almost as if getting denied by that one person makes you reevaluate your entire existence.

Like... what the hell is going on?! How could you NOT be into me. I can chew gum AND tie my shoes at the same time?? That should be a done deal. We like butter on our pancakes AND both our mama's names start with a T?? We are sooo perfect for each other.

But the thing is...

None of that matters.

We can have the world in common, but that's never going to be enough.

I can be the bees knees in my eyes, but I'm just another girl to him.

I don't pursue guys a lot, it might be because I'm scared of rejection, or it might be because I'm just plain LAZY. But I've felt it before. It's called, he's just not that into you. Watch the movie, do what you gotta do...

But ladies (and fellas),

It's time to make amends and just let it go.

So what did I realize this week?

I'm happy with who I am, and if a guy can see that person and still not love it too, he's not stupid, he's just not right for me. I have so many people in my life who truly care. Who wake up and want to be a part of my life on a daily basis. That should be more than enough. That IS more than enough.

I'm tired of second guessing myself. I'm tired of wondering if things would be different if I just changed. I'm tired of debating as to whether I should grow out my hair just because guys might be intimidated by it (except for gay guys, they eat that shit UP), I love everything about me. I dare to be different and I feel compelled to challenge traditional thinking on what's "beautiful."

So I think I'll be happy with who I am now. And that means being myself, not letting a miss here and there get me down, and keeping my short hair.

And you're going to like it, too.

I promise