"You deserve someone who never fucks with your head! ya know!! thats the kind of relationship i want...it starts good...and stays good...no little poops in the road to make you feel like shit. and yeah.. those boys who do have that higher power on you....its pathetic huh!!?? i dont understand. but its more like us girls have to have the higher power on them and put our foot down. ya know?? so that we can open our hearts up to other good people. and be loved. and share our love :) BECAUSE WE ARE FUCKING LOVING GIRLS I TELL YA!!! haha. but yeah. i think your beautiful, and amazing. and i cant wait for someone to swoop you off your feet the way it is suppose to be done. someone who is handsome, adores you, can have conversations with you about anything, likes to listen to you, and who will buy you pumpkins to carve :)"

-From a good friend. You are brilliant, and adorable, and brilliant. thank you

:)

Long Overdue

Being vulnerable isn't going to get you the most attention, needing attention is going to get you the most attention. Huh, fancy that. But the things is, I don't need people in my life to kiss my ass, I just want them to see that I'm not perfect--that I say and do stupid things--yet they still respect me regardless. I might make a fool out of myself sometimes but I'm not afraid to be a little rough around the edges. It's hard to try to be on your own. I don't depend on other people to make me feel better about myself. I'm not always searching for a relationship because I constantly need someone else to provide me security. But that independence can also be scary and isolated. I'm not a strong person. I'm just trying to be. And in the midst of trying to be so self-efficient, I've forgotten how much I need someone there to stand up for me.

I'm really the one to blame, before I've always been too proud to say it, but here it goes,

I can't do everything on my own. It's a hard thing to try and do, you know, using your own shoulder to cry on--really strains the neck.

Runners

He moves in mysterious ways,

She's on the floor.

And her heart is in her hand. Nestled in her palm with fingers wrapped all around, the only place it can stand.

What's happening? What are you fighting about? Was it my pity that you borrowed? Or do you not see the others that weep in the corners of this box of sorrow? You must still be sitting in the middle.

When she's afraid to feel anything at all, when she's up against the wall, there's no room to fall.

Because you said it was okay to, but it's never okay to, when they're making a mess. There are tears to be shed too, but that's something she can't do, She says, this is what's best.

So afraid of holding onto something she can't see. Asked the world to look at her and see something and believe. Stayed up all night perfecting the perfect you. Overwhelmed with so much work to do. You can tell me if it changed something inside you. You can tell me if you hid your heart when you were trying to hide you. Scared of what the spectators would say if they knew they've been lied to. But I'll always love you same, You know I was never apart of that game.

I remember watching you run from the stranger in the room that swore he was you. And when you weren't thinking you did what he did too. But all that becomes taboo. Hurry up before they see you. You'd rather be see through, just to fall in line. So you'd never get beaten down again for trying to shine.

Use to be invisible so you could love me without pain, told you no matter how much you played with my heart I'd feel just the same, Promised I'd always smile for you, never cry over you, but I was left wanting more in the end, so I swore I'd never play that part again.

My Final Say

Things feel so different. Time has changed so many things, my mind feels expanded, and the more it fills the weaker my spirit and the more convoluted my vision of the world as I see it becomes. It's like a little piece of me dies when things break a part. When I realize things don't just happen because you want it so bad. When I realized the good guy doesn't always win. When I realize I'm not always the good guy. When I realized He's not always going to love me back. Love isn't love like I dreamt it to be when I was a little girl growing up. It wasn't fairytales and happily ever afters; it was at times misconceived, ill-timed, and unrequited.

But every now and then I let things go, like my pride and my ego and my self-consciousness. And I can tell that I'm still that little girl. She's the one who wants to see the good in everyone. Who trusts that people have integrity. That they wouldn't say degrading things. That they would never hurt anyone. She's the one that keeps me from denying you every time. The one that's always there for you even when you don't know how much it hurts. The one that hopes one day you'll find yourself. But I don't see her very often because I don't want her to see who you've become. How many times you've manipulated her emotions to satisfy your need for attention. And you never apologized, you never thought to ask. But it's okay because it's me now and I won't ever ask you to care.

Although I've grown up a little I'm grateful. Because I realize how much I look out for myself. I realize how much I'm confident in who I am. I have conviction and strength and I can see beauty in others so I know I can see beauty in myself.

You are perfect. I meant it when I said it. I don't see the wall of guilt and insecurities you put up even though I know it's there. But you're not strong enough and I can't be your crutch. In the end I cared for who I know you can be. Not who you are now.

Stream of Conscienceness

I'm watching the movie Julie and Julia, well, rather as of now I'm listening because all of the sudden it gave me the urge to write. The character Julie, Amy Adams, writes a blog about her journey cooking through the cook book of legendary chef Julia Child, Meryl Streep. And at that, a movie about a cook blogging about another cook has inspired me to blog myself. I've decided to try a different approach this time. Simple and sweet. When we write, our thoughts come from an organic place; they are in the moment. But a lot of times when I write I force my thoughts onto paper...(well..."paper") It's like I have to think about what I'm thinking...it even sounds ridiculous. So this time, I'm experimenting with a different concept. Going with the flow. The flow of my very own conscience. I must admit, this a little intimidating for me--I rant a lot of the times when I'm thinking to myself. And while I spend much of the time trying to convey a facade of always being confident and self assured, that deteriorates a bit when you get inside my head and you realize how consistently I second guess myself. Well, if you're human I suppose you can relate. (Also when I don't take the time to perfect what I'm writing, indentation seems to escape me. So excuse me for the never-ending paragraph of the century.) I want to travel. Yet, I feel like that's a grown up thing to do so I almost feel obliged to my future, grown up self to wait until I'm in my 20's to really explore the world. But right now, all I want to do is burst this little bubble I live in. Run down the streets of Rome, buy bread on the street corner of Paris, dive into the Mediterranean sea of Greece. How romantic.... Ahem, alright well let me rephrase my previous sentence, I almost feel obliged to my future self to wait until I'm in my 20's to explore Europe. Hmmm. If only I could live in my head forever. I guess that would also turn me into a vegetable. My mom always says, dreams are for people who don't do anything about them. I wonder if it's true....What matters more: what you want the world to be like or how it really is? And which one will you allow to steer you on your life's journey? I can't stop thinking about you. It's starting to worry me. And now because of this you must believe that I am speaking directly from these unorganized thoughts in my head, rest assured. Because heaven forbid, I can never stay on topic without you getting in the way. Why do we, meaning us adolescents, care so much about this sort of thing?? Don't we all know it's a waste of our time? Things like love and soul mates, not to mention marriage and eventually settling down...who in God's name, at our age, knows a single thing about those words and what they could possibly mean? Yes, I'm talking to you, God. What do you have to say for yourself?! If you are who you say you are, the one who gave me emotions like lust and the "I'm feeling lonely without a boy" emotion (sorry I don't know any other way to title that one) then you can have them back! And return them in due time when I'm 24. Along with a suitable, oh excuse me, an outstanding, charming and disgustingly handsome young man who will later on become my husband the father of my kids (I am, in fact, the only candidate to provide my parents with grandchildren. Since my sister is convinced she will not be mothering children of her own due to the inevitability that little kids always have sticky hands, OF COURSE. Probably from eating jam or something, she says.) Yes, that would be quite swell. But on the contrary that is not how things work around here, is it? looks like I'm just going to have to deal with my largely unnecessary feelings towards him. Gross Louisa. And by fact, he IS out there, he does exist. A guy I actually like. A living person, doing...things or what not. But I wish he didn't live the life that he lives, and that under the circumstances, he isn't the person he is. So in that case, is he even truly alive? I mean, literally of course he is. But the guy that I made up in my head, who just so happens to look like him and have the same name, doesn't exist. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I suppose that's the good thing about things like getting an education, focusing on goals, and eventually being successful in a career. They will never change their minds, they will never reject you, and they will never say things that will hurt your feelings. They will never lie to you, or make you feel used. They will never go away. Unless, YOU say so. Unless I say so...It's all on me. Maybe that's why my sister goes to Duke and is currently making bank at her job in Nordstrom. Because in her job, as well as school, as well as her relationships, she likes to be in control. And that, is when she is at her best. My theory, however, is a bit more...I don't know...foolish. And it's called trusting people. Horrible, I know. It involves methods such as trial and error, and a very versatile, very broad spectrum of emotions. But, while there are plenty of good things money and success can give you, there are also quite a few it can't. And maybe I'm still too much of a romantic to give up on trying to obtain those kinds of things. I wonder if all my romanticizing is just a way of being lazy, so I can avoid waking up from my day dreams to reason with reality on maybe settling for something less ambitious and more...stable. Ew. But in the end I must know one thing and it is a very important thing. It is never going to be about superficial wants or even the guy. Most things I spend all my time worrying about now are measly. Just another page in my life story. Another memory in the making. Another step I must take in finding myself. Also very important. I must never go to sleep this late again. That will be the greatest challenge of them all. Wish me luck.

-Louisa's Conscience.

It's Never the Changes We Want that Change Everything

Sometimes things can't be put in a box. Or written down on paper. Or sung through a tune, created into movement, or captured in a photograph. It can't be resolved with words no matter how articulate. It can't be made better by "I love you's" or "It's going to be okay's." Because at one point in our lives we're gonna feel like we're not good enough. No matter how many paintings we paint, how many videos we make of us doing cool things, how many dances we choreograph, how many friends we make, or blogs we write, we're still going to feel...uninspired. Sometimes when the world and its ambitions can be so big all we know to do,

is make us seem small.

It's inevitable: we are insignificant. Every single one of us. I'm not going to do everything I've ever wanted to do. I'm not gonna have everything I've ever wanted to have. We will all fail one way or another in our lifetime; Fall short of who we want to be and where we want to go. So I am insignificant, it's true. But I am not empty, I am not without faith. Gandhi once said, "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."

So even when I'm feeling inferior, or discouraged, or inadequate, I am still hungry to be more, and to chase after impossible dreams. Impossible because while I might think I know now, I really have no idea what I'm chasing after. But I run and I keep running. I cry and I laugh and I fail and I triumph because I know, before I reach my destination, I will turn around, take a left and around the corner I will find happiness. The dream I grew up believing in, will end. And I will look back and say, "Thank God."

In all honesty, there is only so much I know for certain right now. But as for the rest, I am completely and utterly aware of how oblivious I am. I believe that the reason I want certain things so badly now, is so I can use them as means of finding my way to the truth later. But I'm not afraid, and I am not deterred. I will never doubt that at the end of the road, I will be enlightened, I will be happy, and I will have not settled for anything less.

The journey to fulfillment will not be simple, but the destination should be perfectly clear. It will not be a place or a person, but a symbol of how far we've come. So, I'm ready to live the rest of my life now.... To be fair, I guess I've always been ready.

"It's never the changes we want that change everything." Junot Diaz, author

What I Was Tryna Tell You

What I was tryna tell you

Is that I'm the fuckin realist

Call me a walking salesman

Cause I can show you what the deal is

So caught up in the cool

What ever happened to the realness?

Tryna make the right moves

So I hope that you can feel this.

Love is something we speak about prematurely

So I could tell I started loving you far too early

You know I put out alotta shit cause I'm so wordy

But how many of them do you think really heard me?

My consciences feels heavy

Look at how you left me

I should've known this time,

Time would let you forget me.

And man, it's been a while since I've felt appreciated

Cause like you that feeling evaporated

And I can just remember how much I hated

Feeling like all I did was waited

For you to make yourself out of the fake you created

But spend 3 minutes with me and a heart untainted

And I swear I'll give you everything you anticipated.

I'm ready for them to see

What my mind sees

But I'm telling you if you ain't ready, don't tease me

If you're tied down by the past, you won't please me

I know seducing your last girl with your bullshit was easy

But I'm not just another girl for you to mess around with

I got a confidence and a swag I go to town with

So you can call up your petty bitches when you wanna get faded

But call me after when you're ready to get upgraded.

Cause I don't have the time

For you and your deluded mind

No cure great enough for you to find

Cause I can see through the surface of your fake persona

The ignorance, you're such a prima donna.

And I know I can't change everyones ways

Or the things they've done

I just want everybody to listen to me

Like Drake's new album.

But tonight I won't need your love to find

When you're out there looking for your dignity

I've already found mine.

I know you're lost, tryna find what's true

But even if I let you in

You wouldn't know what to do

I can't even look at you

Without feeling confused

If I could give you salvation

You know that's what I'd do

But you keep bringing yourself down and

That's on you.