Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sooner Than Later
Hey guys, it's been a while....
Since I've posted something for one, and for two, since I've cared about something in depth enough to write about it. Maybe I was too busy focusing on what was tangible, or maybe things were just easier this way. But I came across this cover of one of Drake's first songs, "Sooner Than Later," by Jenny Suk and it just rushed over me. The feeling like it all wasn't enough.
I kept thinking about this one line, "you don't need no one else." It echoed in my head until I just wanted it to stop. It reminded me of how I use to feel. The way I use to constantly agonize over finding that one person who you know you couldn't be without, the one person you'd feel, like this undeniable pull...till you can't sleep, you can't go get a glass of water or open the mailbox without thinking about them.
And yet, I find myself running back to this feeling of an impossible fantasy, the heartbreak of hoping for something that only happens in Disney movies. I scold myself for giving into this ideal, one that I feel is set by society for women, the one that says as women we are expected to want to be in a full on, long term, committed relationship. To find the bread winner, Mr. Right, your soulmate and to want anything outside of this is degrading and looked down upon.
Naturally a guy can want sex and nothing more and yes he might seem like an asshole but girls love it! and guys support it.
So I decided I would break away from this standard. It seemed all so simple, if I push myself as far away from my emotional attachments as possible, I won't have to feel anything, I won't have to hope for anything, I would be untouchable.
And then I realized I was trying to find a solution to the wrong problem. I rejected relationships so much not because I thought they were a myth, but because I didn't understand them. I don't know what it feels like to have someone need me so bad they would do anything to reach me wherever I was.
I don't know what it feels like to be cared for past the point of reason, I was never worth the sacrifice, the change, the time.
I saw myself as just the fling because I didn't know what it felt like to be the wifey.
And what if I did, what if I had a taste of feeling that special...everything would change.
I can't help but care for superficial things, because together we are in a mutual relationship. If I find a boy who dresses nice, is outwardly appealing, and lives a life focused on reputation and materialism, he won't have the time to worry about caring for me past a certain point.
Please understand, this is not a pity party. It would be ridiculous to ask for sympathy, or to complain. I have created this for myself... And I do believe it's even a place where I need to be for the time being.
Everything's about to change soon and I'm not ready for someone to want to be with me that badly. Only, my fear is that when I'm good and ready for a real relationship, it won't be sooner than later, and I'll be lost.
Since I've posted something for one, and for two, since I've cared about something in depth enough to write about it. Maybe I was too busy focusing on what was tangible, or maybe things were just easier this way. But I came across this cover of one of Drake's first songs, "Sooner Than Later," by Jenny Suk and it just rushed over me. The feeling like it all wasn't enough.
I kept thinking about this one line, "you don't need no one else." It echoed in my head until I just wanted it to stop. It reminded me of how I use to feel. The way I use to constantly agonize over finding that one person who you know you couldn't be without, the one person you'd feel, like this undeniable pull...till you can't sleep, you can't go get a glass of water or open the mailbox without thinking about them.
And yet, I find myself running back to this feeling of an impossible fantasy, the heartbreak of hoping for something that only happens in Disney movies. I scold myself for giving into this ideal, one that I feel is set by society for women, the one that says as women we are expected to want to be in a full on, long term, committed relationship. To find the bread winner, Mr. Right, your soulmate and to want anything outside of this is degrading and looked down upon.
Naturally a guy can want sex and nothing more and yes he might seem like an asshole but girls love it! and guys support it.
So I decided I would break away from this standard. It seemed all so simple, if I push myself as far away from my emotional attachments as possible, I won't have to feel anything, I won't have to hope for anything, I would be untouchable.
And then I realized I was trying to find a solution to the wrong problem. I rejected relationships so much not because I thought they were a myth, but because I didn't understand them. I don't know what it feels like to have someone need me so bad they would do anything to reach me wherever I was.
I don't know what it feels like to be cared for past the point of reason, I was never worth the sacrifice, the change, the time.
I saw myself as just the fling because I didn't know what it felt like to be the wifey.
And what if I did, what if I had a taste of feeling that special...everything would change.
I can't help but care for superficial things, because together we are in a mutual relationship. If I find a boy who dresses nice, is outwardly appealing, and lives a life focused on reputation and materialism, he won't have the time to worry about caring for me past a certain point.
Please understand, this is not a pity party. It would be ridiculous to ask for sympathy, or to complain. I have created this for myself... And I do believe it's even a place where I need to be for the time being.
Everything's about to change soon and I'm not ready for someone to want to be with me that badly. Only, my fear is that when I'm good and ready for a real relationship, it won't be sooner than later, and I'll be lost.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
My First Farewell
I thought by now I'd have it all figured out.
Alas, a toast!
To tomorrow, the end of high school, and the beginning of my first farewell.
Everything I wanted for myself, all those times I use to think to myself: "you'll be all grown up one day, you'll be sure of what you're doing one day, you'll be ready one day." I thought I would have had those days by now.
But here I am, more perplexed than ever, realizing that it's about that time. The time when you wake yourself up from childish ideals, and gather up the courage to admit that you've been too old for them for a while now.
Because I am a child of comfort. Who realized that she has grown out of her favorite childhood pants. The ones she never thought she'd say goodbye to.
I've never had to really say goodbye to anything.
Even the things I've lost in the past, I watched them walk away yet always stayed where they left me, maybe hoping in some way...they would see that I never left, and come back to see me.
But they never did, though others would pass, and I, like most, an eager child of company, would beg of them to stay a while. And they did. But left eventually to chase after something I was never sure of, because they were never sure of it either.
So tomorrow is the day. The day where I had every intention of looking back at my life, satisfied with all the cultured men I had romanced, all the adventurous places I had gone, all the mischief I had caused, all the games I had played...but instead I realized how much I have stayed in one place.
A wonderful place, mind you. But for the first time, it's asking me if I'd like to leave, suggesting it might be what's best. For the first time, it's time to say good bye.
All those who went in and then out of my life. They have moved on, and although it's easy to stay here hoping that things will come to me like they have before, it's time for me to move one too. A part of me thinking I have been waiting for this moment for a while now.
I'm ready now, ready to run towards uncertainty, and it is there where I believe I will find a nice pair of big girl pants, ones that will fit for a long, long time.
The past 18 years...you have given me hopes and dreams, friends that I couldn't get rid of if I tried, a family that has showed me what love truly is, and experiences that will guide me when I'm lost in the complexities of the world.
Alas, a toast!
To tomorrow, the end of high school, and the beginning of my first farewell.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
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