My First Farewell

I thought by now I'd have it all figured out.

Everything I wanted for myself, all those times I use to think to myself: "you'll be all grown up one day, you'll be sure of what you're doing one day, you'll be ready one day." I thought I would have had those days by now.

But here I am, more perplexed than ever, realizing that it's about that time. The time when you wake yourself up from childish ideals, and gather up the courage to admit that you've been too old for them for a while now.

Because I am a child of comfort. Who realized that she has grown out of her favorite childhood pants. The ones she never thought she'd say goodbye to.

I've never had to really say goodbye to anything. 

Even the things I've lost in the past, I watched them walk away yet always stayed where they left me, maybe hoping in some way...they would see that I never left, and come back to see me.

But they never did, though others would pass, and I, like most, an eager child of company, would beg of them to stay a while. And they did. But left eventually to chase after something I was never sure of, because they were never sure of it either.

So tomorrow is the day. The day where I had every intention of looking back at my life, satisfied with all the cultured men I had romanced, all the adventurous places I had gone, all the mischief I had caused, all the games I had played...but instead I realized how much I have stayed in one place.

A wonderful place, mind you. But for the first time, it's asking me if I'd like to leave, suggesting it might be what's best. For the first time, it's time to say good bye. 

All those who went in and then out of my life. They have moved on, and although it's easy to stay here hoping that things will come to me like they have before, it's time for me to move one too. A part of me thinking I have been waiting for this moment for a while now.

I'm ready now, ready to run towards uncertainty, and it is there where I believe I will find a nice pair of big girl pants, ones that will fit for a long, long time.

The past 18 years...you have given me hopes and dreams, friends that I couldn't get rid of if I tried, a family that has showed me what love truly is, and experiences that will guide me when I'm lost in the complexities of the world.

Alas, a toast!
To tomorrow, the end of high school, and the beginning of my first farewell.